Pick of the Week: Broken Open

Check out Broken Open written by author Elizabeth Lesser, who recently joined Oprah during her Best Life Week.

The author has written this book on dealing with difficult times, while telling her own mid-life experience, which included her divorce and an affair. During her appearance on the Oprah show, she never mentioned the affair but mainly focused on the changes that occurred during her healing after the divorce. Her point is to focus on the extreme events in our lives that change...some are from our own choices and some are forced upon us. She highlights the grieving process of one family who lost their son in a motorcycle accident.

Strangely enough, this is yet another story of a woman who has acted badly during an MLC, yet comes up victorious in the end. My only question is, if she needed to sacrifice her marriage, by entering in to an affair, which ultimately caused her to be "Broken Open"? Could she have come to the same conclusions without the brokenness? Will this book give women around the world permission to do the same things as she has...only to be broken open also? I don't think so...but at the same time, I see this book's merit...because people are being broken open everywhere nowadays!

A powerful message, secular or New Age perspective. If you want a Christian perspective, please look at Beth Moore's book Get Out of That Pit.

Join us at Women in MLC: A forum for Women in Mid-Life Crisis and for the Men that Love them. You don't have to be Broken Open to change.

OMG...Oprah is in Mid-Life Crisis!

OMG…Is Oprah having a Mid-life Crisis?
  
Yesterday on the first show of a much publicized series called the “Best Life Week”, Oprah admitted that she had not been taking care of her self and again regained 40 lbs. of weight that she so masterfully and publicly lost in the past. In front of God and millions of the shows fans, she admitted that she had forgotten to take care of herself first! During the show she demonstrated how this happened.

With her assistant by her side, she showed her daily calendar, which was packed to the gills with meetings and events that did not include any personal time for the popular talk show host and entrepreneur. It was evident just by looking at the calendar; Oprah had become a work alcoholic! Time to change her calendar and take time for herself, which she did, yet still attacking the change with the fervor that is Oprah!  

She spoke of her health, the weight gain and her revelation that she had been focusing on everything and everyone else first. As I sat and watched this show, I heard Oprah telling the world the very same things I hear from women and the men of wives all over the world who come to my Women in MLC (Mid Life Crisis) Forum. Oprah’s life cup was draining and the physical evidence is her weight gain. 

Could the illustrious Oprah Winfrey be experiencing a Mid-Life Crisis?!

In my head I went through the mid-life crisis litmus quiz that we give everyone at the forum, which is made up of triggers that have occurred over the past five to ten years. With the public information we know is true, let’s put Oprah to the test by using these triggers that we know the answers to:

• Death or experiencing Grief – Two of Oprah’s much beloved dogs died in the past two years. The dogs for Oprah were considered family or much like her own children…so, consider this the death of a child…twice! Add in any other significant others who have passed in the past five to ten years.
• Increased responsibility at Work – Oprah opened her school for girls in South Africa., plus she had to deal with a public event of a worker who had been accused of mistreatment of the girl’s at the school. The premier and subsequent building of a top magazine. Her support of Barack Obama in his campaign. To much more to list. The woman is a work alcoholic! 
• Health Issues and Illness – Oprah was diagnosed with a thyroid condition and possible heart issues. She has been in treatment and dealing with it. Add in her admitted struggle with her weight.  
• Moving – How many houses does Oprah have in how many areas of the world? I have lost count, but with each new residence that she has acquired, we could consider this a move for her, even though she probably has a team of people handling the redecorating and move…it is still a move for Oprah.
• Childhood issues and/or History – We all know that Ms Winfrey was molested by a family member when she was young….this is an issue, along with her long time estrangement from her father until later on in her life. Are these issues really resolved? Ms Winfrey has always struggled with her weight and maybe she is still struggling with self-image issues that have reared their ugly heads later on in life. She has admitted that much of her outgoing personality we see on TV comes from her childhood need to be accepted.
• Finances: Increase or Decrease – Oprah is the richest or one of the richest and powerful women in the world. The pressure of being a wealthy person can and could be very dominating…it bears a heavy responsibility. Many people are dependant upon her for their livelihoods AND as we all know, money does not buy happiness. In the ever increasing concern over the economy, Oprah and her money mangers may be concerned over what she has invested her money in and what she will be able to do in the future.  
• Relationships – Since Ms Winfrey keeps her relationship with her long time partner Stedman Graham very private, only he would know the answers to the following:
o Has Oprah dropped the “I Love You But I am Not In Love With You” statement on you lately?
o How’s your sex life? Non-existent? Struggling? Low sexual –libido?
o Is she asking for more space?
o Any suspicions about relationships with other people?
o Do the two of you have a history of affairs or cheating? (Maybe the reason for the intense interest in “Why Men Cheat”.)

Oprah hits several targets straight on with many of the public knowledge and answers to MLC Triggers. The rest is her private business, but if we did know the answers to these other questions, I could definitively say that Oprah Winfrey is just like many other women in the US and around the world.  

I know many people will not be organizing a collective “pity party” for the queen of daytime talk shows over her present state, but the fact that we can see that even Oprah can possibly go through a Mid-life Crisis makes her a bit more human. All the money in world or celebrity can NOT keep a person from avoiding the dreaded MLC.  

The important thing that we need to take note of is that Ms Winfrey is NOT in denial...she has realised her priority is to take care of herself first and as long as she doesn't start weeding out her relationships,  maintaining her coping skills and realises that change comes through subconscious change and not conscious change...well, she will transition through this time in her life in Oprah Winfrey fashion.  

Oprah is having a Mid-life Crisis and hers will be a very public one!

PS: Oprah: You are alsways welcome at our forum: Women in MLC.

 

If Your Spouse is Cheating...It's All Your Fault!

The most popular topic on the Oprah.com lately has been about the two most recent visits by Dr. M. Gary Neuman, author of “Why Men Cheat”. Women by the millions tuned in both days to find out the answer to this most frustrating, devastating and destructive subject, only to find out that, in a nut shell, it was primarily their fault. Did you hear the deafening, angry screaming coming from all the homes of Oprah fans across the nation...probably across the world? Every married woman, whether they had been cheated on or not, leapt out of their seats screaming, “Are you kidding me? It's MY fault! Oh, no, it's NOT!

Dr. M. Gary Neuman has got it wrong about why men cheat and he'll have it wrong for women too!

It doesn't have anything to do with the marriage or the relationship or sex. It has nothing to do with being a man or a woman...it has everything to do with being a broken human being.

Yes, it's about attention...but NOT the fact that the spouse isn't meeting the needs of their partner in the attention category.

Yes, most marriages get consumed by the every day stresses of raising a family, working and taking care of their homes. Marriage is work...relationships have their ups and downs...life happens. Husbands and wives enter in to their marriages with expectations that are perpetuated by the media, entertainment and a society that is sexually over-stimulated with little moral fortitude. This is a broad cultural explanation and not addressing the root causes of why human beings cheat on their mates.

The reason men AND women cheat is their mindset is wrong. They are relying on others to define them, feed their egos and fill holes that have been left empty since childhood. It is a flaw or disconnect with the individual that is cheating. Cheating occurs due to an inability to cope with an individuals life in the present, as a result of what has occurred in their past. The spouse is paying the bill for all of the past sins, circumstances, relationships and experiences that is stuffed in the cheaters baggage.

My research has shown most women and men who cheat are control freaks or perfectionists; either first-born, babies or only children in their families. Yes, it's more emotional than physical BUT if asked, you will discover certain personality traits, unresolved childhood issues that relate to physical/emotional abuse, exposure to addiction, broken homes or that their parents were cheaters too. Cheaters may have learned by example OR they've never met anyone's expectations or even met their own. They search for someone who will except the fantasy person that they portray.

Most spouses are doing what Dr. Neuman suggests: encouraging, paying attention, having intimacy.

On the first show there was the couple who was having great sex, family life, but he was still cheating! Even this man was confused about why he was cheating. Why? It's because it was NOT about his marriage, family or job. It WAS about him! He was subconsciously sabotaging his marriage, family and life. One of the other couples sat there with same dazed “This is not it either.” look on their faces. In the second show most of the couples seemed to not to accept what Dr, Neuman was saying...that it was about the attention they received from the other woman and the fact that the wife was not fulfilling her duties in giving the proper attention to her husband. HOGWASH!

I was able to get my free download of Dr. M. Gary Neuman's book titled "The Truth About Cheating: Why Men Stray and How you Can Prevent It." that was offered following the first Oprah show that he appeared on. I have not read it yet and the above commentary is only on the Oprah shows that Dr. Neuman appeared and discussed why men cheat.

To be honest the audience was filled with uncomfortable and guilt ridden men and their wives that only wanted answers to why their husband cheated on them. To say that the women could not accept Dr. Neuman's explanation for why they cheat, would be an understatement. Most of the men sat taller in their seats as the doctor pointed the finger at the ladies, saying that they had to work harder at paying attention, having gratitude for what their husbands provided and did for them. Yet, when several women countered the good doctor on his direction by saying that this is a two way street with in the marriage AND that there is no excuse for cheating, especially in the case that a man's ego is not being fed. These women were angry and insisting, if not demanding that their husbands were not teenage boys with raging hormones, but mature adults that should be able to keep a moral code and ethic and not become weakened because their egos were not being stroked properly. Many women in the audience refused to accept the doctors theory and the commentary rages on in this vein after the show and on in the forums under this very same topic.

By the end of the show, the men were slouching in their seats again in a pool of their guilt, wondering why they did what they did, while their wives sat on the edges of their seats waiting to hear the correct answer or the real truth to 'Why men cheat?"

The solution to the cheating problem in both men and women has to come from the person who is cheating. Resolving childhood issues, finding their true north, practicing positive mindset which include affirmations, positive visualizations and healing their inner being, which will recalibrate a cheaters life. It is NOT about the wife and what she is or is not doing. It is NOT about the fact that the husband isn't getting enough sexual satisfaction. It is NOT about the marriage or the relationship. It is about the cheater sending out the vibration of a cheater, so they attract those who will help them cheat. It is about the emptiness that was there within the man or the woman even at the beginning of the marriage. The wife or husband has been able to fill the hole or feed the need until the cheater needs to up the ante, increase the dosage...get an attention fix. They choose to cheat! We are talking about a new type of addiction here...the addiction to people or attention...it is like a drug. Just like in other addictions the root lies in the past, in unresolved issues, low self-esteem, poor decisions and destructive behaviors. Does this sound familiar to anyone? It IS an addiction...not treated correctly...they will cheat again.

To blame the spouse for the cheaters actions is justification, rationalization and pointing blame in the wrong direction. The blame sits squarely on the cheater! It is up to the cheater to dig deep, work hard at resolving their problems and holding to their commitment to not choose to pick up their addiction again.

Dr.Neuman, you are wrong...wrong...wrong! Your explanation is only perpetuating this epidemic of cheating by pointing the finger of blame at the faithful partner. Shame on you!