The Voice: Are you listening to it?

What does your inner voice say to you?

We spend most of our younger lives having our parents or significant others train us to listen to this tiny voice and then we go to school and out in to the world to have that training tested. 

In our present culture, our training is muted by media...we hear the voice of television, music, social media...our experiences in college through professors, our college friends and at work through our workmates. 

IF...we have had any experience of hearing the voice of God through scripture, prayer and meditation or song....It is THIS voice we need to listen to when it speaks from our inner spirit. 

Turn down the volume of our culture and listen to the TRUTH...Listen to the voice that is within. 

Oprah has called it your gut...my father and mother always told me to listen to my gut feeling...I HEARD it as a voice and was once thought to be crazy by a preacher because I told him I heard a Voice. I always knew this Voice...I heard and spoke with this Voice often when I was young.  I am not crazy...I believe I am just open and allow God to speak to me directly, through human messengers, in visions and in dreams.  I hear and listen to the Voice all the time now and then I try to represent Him the best I can after hearing the message!

Pick of the Week: Broken Open

Check out Broken Open written by author Elizabeth Lesser, who recently joined Oprah during her Best Life Week.

The author has written this book on dealing with difficult times, while telling her own mid-life experience, which included her divorce and an affair. During her appearance on the Oprah show, she never mentioned the affair but mainly focused on the changes that occurred during her healing after the divorce. Her point is to focus on the extreme events in our lives that change...some are from our own choices and some are forced upon us. She highlights the grieving process of one family who lost their son in a motorcycle accident.

Strangely enough, this is yet another story of a woman who has acted badly during an MLC, yet comes up victorious in the end. My only question is, if she needed to sacrifice her marriage, by entering in to an affair, which ultimately caused her to be "Broken Open"? Could she have come to the same conclusions without the brokenness? Will this book give women around the world permission to do the same things as she has...only to be broken open also? I don't think so...but at the same time, I see this book's merit...because people are being broken open everywhere nowadays!

A powerful message, secular or New Age perspective. If you want a Christian perspective, please look at Beth Moore's book Get Out of That Pit.

Join us at Women in MLC: A forum for Women in Mid-Life Crisis and for the Men that Love them. You don't have to be Broken Open to change.

OMG...Oprah is in Mid-Life Crisis!

OMG…Is Oprah having a Mid-life Crisis?
  
Yesterday on the first show of a much publicized series called the “Best Life Week”, Oprah admitted that she had not been taking care of her self and again regained 40 lbs. of weight that she so masterfully and publicly lost in the past. In front of God and millions of the shows fans, she admitted that she had forgotten to take care of herself first! During the show she demonstrated how this happened.

With her assistant by her side, she showed her daily calendar, which was packed to the gills with meetings and events that did not include any personal time for the popular talk show host and entrepreneur. It was evident just by looking at the calendar; Oprah had become a work alcoholic! Time to change her calendar and take time for herself, which she did, yet still attacking the change with the fervor that is Oprah!  

She spoke of her health, the weight gain and her revelation that she had been focusing on everything and everyone else first. As I sat and watched this show, I heard Oprah telling the world the very same things I hear from women and the men of wives all over the world who come to my Women in MLC (Mid Life Crisis) Forum. Oprah’s life cup was draining and the physical evidence is her weight gain. 

Could the illustrious Oprah Winfrey be experiencing a Mid-Life Crisis?!

In my head I went through the mid-life crisis litmus quiz that we give everyone at the forum, which is made up of triggers that have occurred over the past five to ten years. With the public information we know is true, let’s put Oprah to the test by using these triggers that we know the answers to:

• Death or experiencing Grief – Two of Oprah’s much beloved dogs died in the past two years. The dogs for Oprah were considered family or much like her own children…so, consider this the death of a child…twice! Add in any other significant others who have passed in the past five to ten years.
• Increased responsibility at Work – Oprah opened her school for girls in South Africa., plus she had to deal with a public event of a worker who had been accused of mistreatment of the girl’s at the school. The premier and subsequent building of a top magazine. Her support of Barack Obama in his campaign. To much more to list. The woman is a work alcoholic! 
• Health Issues and Illness – Oprah was diagnosed with a thyroid condition and possible heart issues. She has been in treatment and dealing with it. Add in her admitted struggle with her weight.  
• Moving – How many houses does Oprah have in how many areas of the world? I have lost count, but with each new residence that she has acquired, we could consider this a move for her, even though she probably has a team of people handling the redecorating and move…it is still a move for Oprah.
• Childhood issues and/or History – We all know that Ms Winfrey was molested by a family member when she was young….this is an issue, along with her long time estrangement from her father until later on in her life. Are these issues really resolved? Ms Winfrey has always struggled with her weight and maybe she is still struggling with self-image issues that have reared their ugly heads later on in life. She has admitted that much of her outgoing personality we see on TV comes from her childhood need to be accepted.
• Finances: Increase or Decrease – Oprah is the richest or one of the richest and powerful women in the world. The pressure of being a wealthy person can and could be very dominating…it bears a heavy responsibility. Many people are dependant upon her for their livelihoods AND as we all know, money does not buy happiness. In the ever increasing concern over the economy, Oprah and her money mangers may be concerned over what she has invested her money in and what she will be able to do in the future.  
• Relationships – Since Ms Winfrey keeps her relationship with her long time partner Stedman Graham very private, only he would know the answers to the following:
o Has Oprah dropped the “I Love You But I am Not In Love With You” statement on you lately?
o How’s your sex life? Non-existent? Struggling? Low sexual –libido?
o Is she asking for more space?
o Any suspicions about relationships with other people?
o Do the two of you have a history of affairs or cheating? (Maybe the reason for the intense interest in “Why Men Cheat”.)

Oprah hits several targets straight on with many of the public knowledge and answers to MLC Triggers. The rest is her private business, but if we did know the answers to these other questions, I could definitively say that Oprah Winfrey is just like many other women in the US and around the world.  

I know many people will not be organizing a collective “pity party” for the queen of daytime talk shows over her present state, but the fact that we can see that even Oprah can possibly go through a Mid-life Crisis makes her a bit more human. All the money in world or celebrity can NOT keep a person from avoiding the dreaded MLC.  

The important thing that we need to take note of is that Ms Winfrey is NOT in denial...she has realised her priority is to take care of herself first and as long as she doesn't start weeding out her relationships,  maintaining her coping skills and realises that change comes through subconscious change and not conscious change...well, she will transition through this time in her life in Oprah Winfrey fashion.  

Oprah is having a Mid-life Crisis and hers will be a very public one!

PS: Oprah: You are alsways welcome at our forum: Women in MLC.

 

Guest Blogger: The Lazy Women's Guide to MidLife Reinvention

With all due respect to Oprah, the life coach industry, and my overly-enthusiastic friend Y. who keeps insisting I live an "authentic" life, I'm beginning to think this midlife reinvention stuff is strictly for the birds.

It sounds simple enough in theory. Relying on the wisdom and experience that comes to us at midlife, we take a leap of faith and pursue our deepest passions. Armed with little more than faith in ourselves and a copy of The Secret in our hands, we go forth expecting good things to certainly come our way. 

And let's be honest - after decades spent raising kids, climbing the corporate ladder, and living with the same, predictable man, who among us isn't ready to shake things up a bit? 

Aiding and abetting us is an entire industry that's sprung up to support our ventures. From books to videos to weekend retreats, there is no shortage of charlatans - oops, I mean professionals - lining up to tell us how to get to the next big thing in our lives. 

At 47, I've ploughed through my fair share of reinvention attempts. From the would-be crafting business ($700 in supplies yielded three scarves, one sleeve and zero sales) to the "youthful and playful" hairstyle my new stylist talked me into (he goes by the name of Jean Paul but I prefer to think of him as Edward Scissorhands on speed), I've tried diligently to reinvent myself but sadly, never quite made the grade. 

Reflecting on my failures to launch, I believe I've learned a thing or two about the awakening that comes at this stage of life. As a gesture of support and solidarity for the midlife women who might be reading this, I'd like to pass on some thoughtful advice to make your own midlife reinventions go just that much more smoothly. 

The Lazy Woman's Guide To Midlife Reinvention

1. It's more fun talking about reinvention than actually reinventing.
The planning stage is by far the most rewarding part of the process. What can beat long, contemplative walks, detailed list making of our strengths and interests and endless discussions with friends over dinner about hopes, plans and dreams. 

Play your cards right and you can remain in this stage indefinitely.

2. Don't write a book - read a book.
For those of you who dream of penning the great Canadian novel, try reading a book instead.

Most of us are so busy that we barely have time to read a book. Wouldn't it be a challenge just to start one and finish it in a reasonable amount of time?

And I'm not talking about the dry and slightly depressing Canadian literature your book club insists on reading because it makes them feel intellectual. I'm talking about a good, juicy, Chick Lit read that you can't put down, even if it makes you feel slightly dirty when you're done. 

3. Forget being a Cougar, chasing sexy, younger men. Go after the old guys instead.
Not only is the competition less stiff, older men are much easier to catch. I mean come on - which 40-something woman among us can't outrun an octogenarian in a wheel chair?

4. If you're itching to start a business, keep things on a small scale.
Sure we hear about the success stories but if the truth be told, most businesses fail within a year or two of start-up. 

If you really must scratch your entrepreneurial itch, might I suggest taking a cue from all the mompreneurs of Generation X. Create a simple product and market it from the comfort of your own home. 

I, for one, am waiting for some enterprising midlife woman to invent much needed products like Flash Memory Cards to combat those embarrassing short-term memory blips that come with middle age.

5. Skip the makeover - just get rid of your mirrors.
Why spend thousands on Botox, fillers, a new hairstyle and wardrobe? You're still the same, wonderful person inside that you've always been. 

--Karen Hamilton lives in Toronto, Canada, where she publishes The Best Kept Secret, an e-newsletter and Web site for women over 40. Like the proverbial Seinfeld of the perimenopause set, Karen is fascinated with “the little things” of midlife. You can reach Karen via e-mail at karen@thebestkeptsecret.ca, visit her Web site at www.thebestkeptsecret.ca or enjoy more of her quirky humour at The Best Kept Secret Blog http://blog.thebestkeptsecret.ca/ .

If Your Spouse is Cheating...It's All Your Fault!

The most popular topic on the Oprah.com lately has been about the two most recent visits by Dr. M. Gary Neuman, author of “Why Men Cheat”. Women by the millions tuned in both days to find out the answer to this most frustrating, devastating and destructive subject, only to find out that, in a nut shell, it was primarily their fault. Did you hear the deafening, angry screaming coming from all the homes of Oprah fans across the nation...probably across the world? Every married woman, whether they had been cheated on or not, leapt out of their seats screaming, “Are you kidding me? It's MY fault! Oh, no, it's NOT!

Dr. M. Gary Neuman has got it wrong about why men cheat and he'll have it wrong for women too!

It doesn't have anything to do with the marriage or the relationship or sex. It has nothing to do with being a man or a woman...it has everything to do with being a broken human being.

Yes, it's about attention...but NOT the fact that the spouse isn't meeting the needs of their partner in the attention category.

Yes, most marriages get consumed by the every day stresses of raising a family, working and taking care of their homes. Marriage is work...relationships have their ups and downs...life happens. Husbands and wives enter in to their marriages with expectations that are perpetuated by the media, entertainment and a society that is sexually over-stimulated with little moral fortitude. This is a broad cultural explanation and not addressing the root causes of why human beings cheat on their mates.

The reason men AND women cheat is their mindset is wrong. They are relying on others to define them, feed their egos and fill holes that have been left empty since childhood. It is a flaw or disconnect with the individual that is cheating. Cheating occurs due to an inability to cope with an individuals life in the present, as a result of what has occurred in their past. The spouse is paying the bill for all of the past sins, circumstances, relationships and experiences that is stuffed in the cheaters baggage.

My research has shown most women and men who cheat are control freaks or perfectionists; either first-born, babies or only children in their families. Yes, it's more emotional than physical BUT if asked, you will discover certain personality traits, unresolved childhood issues that relate to physical/emotional abuse, exposure to addiction, broken homes or that their parents were cheaters too. Cheaters may have learned by example OR they've never met anyone's expectations or even met their own. They search for someone who will except the fantasy person that they portray.

Most spouses are doing what Dr. Neuman suggests: encouraging, paying attention, having intimacy.

On the first show there was the couple who was having great sex, family life, but he was still cheating! Even this man was confused about why he was cheating. Why? It's because it was NOT about his marriage, family or job. It WAS about him! He was subconsciously sabotaging his marriage, family and life. One of the other couples sat there with same dazed “This is not it either.” look on their faces. In the second show most of the couples seemed to not to accept what Dr, Neuman was saying...that it was about the attention they received from the other woman and the fact that the wife was not fulfilling her duties in giving the proper attention to her husband. HOGWASH!

I was able to get my free download of Dr. M. Gary Neuman's book titled "The Truth About Cheating: Why Men Stray and How you Can Prevent It." that was offered following the first Oprah show that he appeared on. I have not read it yet and the above commentary is only on the Oprah shows that Dr. Neuman appeared and discussed why men cheat.

To be honest the audience was filled with uncomfortable and guilt ridden men and their wives that only wanted answers to why their husband cheated on them. To say that the women could not accept Dr. Neuman's explanation for why they cheat, would be an understatement. Most of the men sat taller in their seats as the doctor pointed the finger at the ladies, saying that they had to work harder at paying attention, having gratitude for what their husbands provided and did for them. Yet, when several women countered the good doctor on his direction by saying that this is a two way street with in the marriage AND that there is no excuse for cheating, especially in the case that a man's ego is not being fed. These women were angry and insisting, if not demanding that their husbands were not teenage boys with raging hormones, but mature adults that should be able to keep a moral code and ethic and not become weakened because their egos were not being stroked properly. Many women in the audience refused to accept the doctors theory and the commentary rages on in this vein after the show and on in the forums under this very same topic.

By the end of the show, the men were slouching in their seats again in a pool of their guilt, wondering why they did what they did, while their wives sat on the edges of their seats waiting to hear the correct answer or the real truth to 'Why men cheat?"

The solution to the cheating problem in both men and women has to come from the person who is cheating. Resolving childhood issues, finding their true north, practicing positive mindset which include affirmations, positive visualizations and healing their inner being, which will recalibrate a cheaters life. It is NOT about the wife and what she is or is not doing. It is NOT about the fact that the husband isn't getting enough sexual satisfaction. It is NOT about the marriage or the relationship. It is about the cheater sending out the vibration of a cheater, so they attract those who will help them cheat. It is about the emptiness that was there within the man or the woman even at the beginning of the marriage. The wife or husband has been able to fill the hole or feed the need until the cheater needs to up the ante, increase the dosage...get an attention fix. They choose to cheat! We are talking about a new type of addiction here...the addiction to people or attention...it is like a drug. Just like in other addictions the root lies in the past, in unresolved issues, low self-esteem, poor decisions and destructive behaviors. Does this sound familiar to anyone? It IS an addiction...not treated correctly...they will cheat again.

To blame the spouse for the cheaters actions is justification, rationalization and pointing blame in the wrong direction. The blame sits squarely on the cheater! It is up to the cheater to dig deep, work hard at resolving their problems and holding to their commitment to not choose to pick up their addiction again.

Dr.Neuman, you are wrong...wrong...wrong! Your explanation is only perpetuating this epidemic of cheating by pointing the finger of blame at the faithful partner. Shame on you!

Women at Mid-Life Dreaming of Divorce While Happily Married

"She's Happily Married, Dreaming of Divorce" http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/personal/08/26/o.divorce.dreams/, an article by Ellen Tien, a columnist at the Oprah Magazine was recently brought to my attention and asked to comment on it. Eagerly I clicked the link and began reading, wondering why it had been sent to me in particular for comment. As I read through the paragraghs, I soon realized why my friend had sent me this diatribe on a woman who claimed to be happily married, but secretly dreamed of being divorced...it was a perfect word picture of the many women that I write about, coach and speak to at events. Most importantly Ms Tein seemed to be planting the seed in her female readers minds that these feelings, dreams and desires were alright AND that their complaints and discontent were something that all wives have in common...so why not dream of divorce...in a very subtle way she was giving women permission to even act on their divorce dreams...she said it without even saying it. The resulting disgruntled and mostly negative comments that followed seemed to bear my overall reaction to the article out. I was unable to add my comments to the long list due to the fact that CNN had suspended commentary...so, I bring my comments here to our lovely group, just in case you read this article in the May issue of "O" magazine or caught it on the web.

Yes, this IS a thoroughly depressing view of marriage...yet a real...true statement of where our view of marriage is and what it has become. Not only is this a depressing view of marriage...it is also a horrible statement on the role of women in the United States and maybe even the world today. I am not talking about our roles as wives and mothers...I am talking about our view of who we are as women in today's world.

Women today are so caught up with being DIVAS and bitches...being bulldogs instead of being women of excellence, significance and grace.... embaracing elegance. We have taken the power that we gained through equality and morphed it into something bigger than we can truly handle. We convince ourselves that the grass is really greener on the other side, while forgetting that all who risk checking out the greener grass discover that the grass is green no matter what side of the fence they are on...no matter whose backyard they are in...Green IS green...it's all grass!

Articles like this one are extremely harmful to women, their families and their marriages. It gives permission to many women who are on the fence...trying to decide if they should remain in their own backyard or explore others. It gives a woman the sense or a feeling that they are not alone in their questioning...in their discontent...it fans a fire that naturally comes around at mid-life...one that every one of our mother's had ...even our grandmothers...but society at the time did NOT give them permission to explore. This article and other books that are being written for women in MLC are encouraging them to throw their morals and ethics aside, grant themselves permission to step out of their responsibilities and roles and be mavericks...focusing purely on themselves, their wants , needs and desires. It is shallow! It IS narcissistic! But then that is what our society has been doing ever since the "ME generation" came in to existence....it's just a continuation of the thought pattern. It didn't really work then...it doesn't work now.

As usual, women of the United States easily eat up what ever the media or Oprah feeds them...convinced that this is the gospel truth. The fact that this article appears in Oprah's magazine MUST mean that she agrees with the author. it must be okay...Right?! NO!!! Not even Oprah expects everyone to accept what she feeds them...she does expect women and men to be discerning in what information she is providing. Not even Oprah agrees with all the people who are on her guest coach on certain subjects.

This is what is important about this article...indeed this is a problem that many women today are struggling with...in fact the majority of women at middle age deal with these very same questions, discontent and inability to cope with their lives as they know it. The problem with this article IS...the author infers that it is okay to feel this way AND she even plants the seed that it is okay to even act upon these thoughts. This is NOT okay. The "everybody else is doing it "bandwagon is in full tilt here. Who says this at 40, 50, and 60 years old? Women and men who have not matured enough to evaluate their circumstances clearly...measure their emotions and the possibilities of their actions if indeed they decide to act upon leaving their marriage...that's who says this sort of thing. A teenager throws this response at their parent when they have been caught drinking, smoking or having sex. Are we to accept that it is okay as mothers and wives...women...that because we are presently discontent it is okay to act like our children? How is that being a good role model?

Ladies, we do not have to accept every message that the media or people of other viewpoints are throwing at us. Just because we ALL feel discontent, boredom, empty, frustrated and confused about our lot in life does NOT mean that we throw away our marriages and our family as we know it today. We have the power to change it...we have to realize that the answers are living in our own backyards...the power lies with in US....not our husbands...our children...our homes.

Everything this author has pointed out in her story as a point of contention in this marriage is in this women's control...she has just chosen not to do something about it...she has chosen to be a victim of her own circumstances. As she points the blame at her husband and children, she is preparing her justifications for any actions or behaviors she might take in the future, no matter how right or wrong.

As women and even as men...we need to look at our hand when we are pointing blame and giving ourselves permission...one finger points at another person...all the rest are pointing back at ourselves...who's to blame? Who ends up being the victims in the end? Think about it!

Final words: We end up sacrificing our life legacy by selfishly seeking temporary pleasures or successes and being a part of a women's movement that is still trying to figure who they are in the grand scheme of things...we end up throwing our husbands and children under the bus....we end up only hurting ourselves.

(C)Amy L Harden 2008 All rights reserved.

Am I Becoming Too Cynical or Bitter?

See the woman to the right....this is the woman that I fear I am becoming...OMG...please don't let this be!!

Since turning 50 years old, I have become more opinionated, less patient, frustrated with the world-at-large....everything seems to rub me the wrong way or will get a rise out of me...and don't forget to add in the new experience of having hot flashes at the most inconvenient of times. Coming of age, yet again, has been just as trying for me as embarking on my teenage years back in the 70's. I struggled then, as I struggle now with all the many changes in my body, in my mind and in the world that revolves around me!

Oprah wants me to find my purpose, while "giving BIG"; The Secret wants me to have a vision and reach for the stars; along with all the many second adulthood books for women out there who want me to jump out of airplanes, climb Mount Everest or give up my career and pursue the one dream I have always held near and dear to my heart....this usually involves wine tasting in France or Napa or renovating an old Victorian home as a Bed and Breakfast. I am supposed to do this while doing Pilate's or yoga fives days out of the week, watching my carbs and eating Omega-3/Antioxidant filled meals, plying my face and body with over priced natural creams and exlirs...ensuring I get eight hours of sleep...all in the pursuit of making sure that my eyes won't puff, my rear end won't drag and my muffin top (a residual from bearing my five children) will not hang over the top of the low-rise jeans that I am forced to purchase because no one carries a jean that covers a muffin top any more that doesn't look like pants that my 80 year old mother would wear.(WHEW!)!

Don't even get me started on plastic surgery, Botox and boob-jobs! My boobs are just fine, thank you very much!!

Do most people really have the extra pocket change to invest in all of this junk? Even though I do have extra money, these things are not what I want my money going toward just because the new way of keeping up with the Jone's is not only having the $800,000 and up custom built home, but being custom built ourselves...this is what will get us through the second half of our lives...Yes, indeed. It is all so temporary...all so material....superficial.!

Somehow I believe we are missing something here. In our effort to find our purpose and discover "the secret", we have raised the bar on ourselves yet again. We no longer view life experience and growth, knowledge and understanding as a priceless commodity...age and wisdom are dismissed. We will risk anything and everything to have what Mr and Mrs. Jones2008 has gotten for themselves. (Here's a Secret: Mr. and Mrs. Jones is in just as much debt, having the same trouble with their kids, is just as unhappy, if not more than most folks in the neighborhood...don't let Mr. Jones's sport car in the drive or Mrs. Jone's botox filled forehead & boob job fool ya!)!

We wrap our lives around celebrity, wanting to look, act and live like people we are not. Women have lost their elegance trying to look like they've walked out of the pages of a magazine, while men fear that being of noble character will some how offend the many women AND men in their lives...in the end men have been put in the position of being doormats.!

Simplicity is no longer simple...there is even a proper media dictated method of going about this also. Even in today's society trying to keep your life easy going, calm, uncomplicated...simple is work.
!

Now I ask you my friends...if all this be true...is there any wonder on most days that I worry that I will one day end up looking like the lady above? Maybe a good airplane jump or a trek up a mountain would do me some good....maybe a pinch of Botox in the corners of my mouth to force a smile.............NAH!!!!!!!