Internet Addiction and Mid-life Women

In my experience as a writer, researcher and coach for Women in Mid-life Crisis and Depression the number one escape used to be your typical offenders...alcohol, drugs, shopping and more than likely the "affair"...all are addictions or the drug of choice. BUT...the newest drug of choice which is used to feed the other drug..."The Affair"...is now the Internet. Women have given themselves permission to use the Internet as a tool to have what they believe as innocent dalliances with men. It has grown to the point that some married women are even creating pornographic web cam sites that they live out their sexual fantasies from a distance...they excuse it as not being an affair because it is "physical"...they aren't harming anyone...they don't even know these men who watch them. They convince themselves that it is innocent!

Tell this to the husband's at the Women in MLC forum, who have recently joined telling us that their wife was rolling on the floor in a 2-year tirade because he had turned off the Internet access...or the man who's wife was recently asked to resign from an administrative level job because she was caught after hours holding a pornographic peep show on the company owned computer in her office.



This IS Internet addiction...just like Internet pornography addiction for a man...women are not looking at the pornography...they are participating in it!

It is the same thing but now women are finding their own way of doing it and it is coming out through Internet dating and singles sites. I have never checked out Second Life...but many women who are caught in an MLC find their way to Match, eHarmony or Ashley Madison and other web sites that are popping up on the Internet specifically geared for women who are married and want to have an affair. Even SKYPE is filled with women married and single who are sharing their wares or sexual fantasies with men around the world and there is a ton of men out there that are looking for exactly this type of supposed "innocent" dalliance.

The key to all of this is the perception that Internet sexual activity is "innocent"...it means nothing. This is why is it is so important to understand that the emotional affair is just as harmful as the physical affair. An emotional affair is just as destructive...it eats away at the fabric of what is right and good in a marriage. This is why even in the Bible it says that to even lust in one's mind is a form of adultery. If a person will emotionally commit adultery the chances that they will give themselves permission to commit physical adultery grows larger...they become numb to the consequence of their actions.

Internet activity needs to have its' perimeters. A woman MUST be very careful about who she is associating and talking with...there are Internet predators on-line that are looking for desperate, lonely women, who have low self-esteems...ready and willing and able to RISK everything and anything for just the thrill of a few moments of internet sexual thrills.

Internet addiction with women can start as simply as creating a Facebook or My Space profile...even going to some of the women's based social networks or magazines that are popping up on-line all the time that allow men to also join. A woman MUST be diligent in who she befriends on the internet. There are also many applications that can be added to their profiles which non-verbally opens her up to be hit on by men who really don't care that her profile says that she is married or not. Many women who are married, but looking to get a self-esteem massage, will not indicate their relationship status or they just say they want to make friends and network.

Checking your wife's internet activity is one of the FIRST a things a husband should do. Be thorough with your checking...not just the history of her activity...go to her profiles and see who she is befriending...go to the friend's profile and see what type of a person they are and who they are also talking with on a day to day basis. If the friend’s list is filled with good-looking women…this man is creating a stable…it is the first tip off that his Facebook or Social Network is NOT for business…it is for his viewing and hitting on pleasure.

The following is a list of internet sites that you should be looking for:

Facebook 

My Space

SKYPE

Match

eHarmony

Ashley Maddison

Yearbook

Classmates

Chemistry

SugarDaddie

MarriedDateLink

AffairsClub

AffairsMatch

LonelyWivesAffair

meet2cheat

BeNaughty

MarriedSecrets

MarriedCafe

FindNewPassion

Desperate-Wives

Tagged


There could be more...but this is the list I pulled from one search off of Google. Please know that any Social Network is a venue for your wife to search for an on-line affair. You just never know who is lurking there.

 
Please join us at Women in MLC  a Forum for women who are struggling with transitioning through mid-life and found themselves in crisis are more than welcome, aalong with the husband's who are have found themselves cauught up in the storm of their wive's MLC...Please join us today!

Additional Information on this topic:

Since publishing this article, I have had several people make me aware of another web site that is very addictive with sexual overtones that can be used by women who want to play with the idea of an Emotional Affair over the internet. The web site is called SecondLife, a 3-D Virtual World. I will admit that I only went to the main page and did not download the game to look at it personally....but I have it by good authority from a husband whose wife became addicted to this site and met several men, who she then had emotional afairs with. Please add this to the above list.

I am not proposing that only women fall prey to Internet Addiction..in fact until recently the statistics for women becoming addicted to internet activity was extremely low. It has only been in the past three years that Experts, such Michael Shelby(www.shallbe.com) and Dr. David Greenfield (www.virtual-addiction.com) have found that women are increasingly becoming addicted to the internet...to almost the same levels as men.

In fact, Internet Addiction does not discriminate. the afore mentioned experts are seeing all ages, gender, race, class, religion...you name it coming through their doors asking for help to loosen the grip or tackle this addiction. It is even being looked at by the AMA as a classified addiction that needs to be treated and can be detrimental to the health and well-being of the person who is addicted.(i.e. which will mean helath insurance companies will recognize it as an official addiction and cover rehabilitation and treatment)

So, this topic is not light one. Internet Addictions can not be blown off anymore to just a man looking at porn on his computer. Internet addiction is breaking up marriages, families and homes. It is not just a man's problem anymore...the women have found a way to use the internet in such a way that it is addictive and feeding a need that they are lacking in...it is not harmless or innocent in any way shape or form.

Many women are in denial not only about their MLC...but also about their vulnerabilty to internet addiction...these very same women have lectured their children about the fantasyland time on the internet and cautioned them against internet predators, all the while not realizing that they are suusceptible to the very same dangers.

So, what can we do about it? Be aware! Don't be in denial about it! Know that internet addiction doesn't discriminate. My main point is: Women in Mid-Life Crisis are even more susceptible to Internet addiction because it is fantasy; it can be anonymous; it feeds a need or fills a hole that is lacking; it provides what they believe is innocent, permissable thrills and adventure..ESCAPE from there real world....and on top of it all there are predators out there that are so willing and able to accommodate it!

If you are interested in this topic, please tune in Thursday night, April 23rd at 8:00 PM EST to H Les Brown's Blog Talk Radio Show - Midlife Mastery, where Les, Michael Shelby and I will discuss Virtual/Internet Addiction and Women at Mid-life.
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If Your Spouse is Cheating...It's All Your Fault!

The most popular topic on the Oprah.com lately has been about the two most recent visits by Dr. M. Gary Neuman, author of “Why Men Cheat”. Women by the millions tuned in both days to find out the answer to this most frustrating, devastating and destructive subject, only to find out that, in a nut shell, it was primarily their fault. Did you hear the deafening, angry screaming coming from all the homes of Oprah fans across the nation...probably across the world? Every married woman, whether they had been cheated on or not, leapt out of their seats screaming, “Are you kidding me? It's MY fault! Oh, no, it's NOT!

Dr. M. Gary Neuman has got it wrong about why men cheat and he'll have it wrong for women too!

It doesn't have anything to do with the marriage or the relationship or sex. It has nothing to do with being a man or a woman...it has everything to do with being a broken human being.

Yes, it's about attention...but NOT the fact that the spouse isn't meeting the needs of their partner in the attention category.

Yes, most marriages get consumed by the every day stresses of raising a family, working and taking care of their homes. Marriage is work...relationships have their ups and downs...life happens. Husbands and wives enter in to their marriages with expectations that are perpetuated by the media, entertainment and a society that is sexually over-stimulated with little moral fortitude. This is a broad cultural explanation and not addressing the root causes of why human beings cheat on their mates.

The reason men AND women cheat is their mindset is wrong. They are relying on others to define them, feed their egos and fill holes that have been left empty since childhood. It is a flaw or disconnect with the individual that is cheating. Cheating occurs due to an inability to cope with an individuals life in the present, as a result of what has occurred in their past. The spouse is paying the bill for all of the past sins, circumstances, relationships and experiences that is stuffed in the cheaters baggage.

My research has shown most women and men who cheat are control freaks or perfectionists; either first-born, babies or only children in their families. Yes, it's more emotional than physical BUT if asked, you will discover certain personality traits, unresolved childhood issues that relate to physical/emotional abuse, exposure to addiction, broken homes or that their parents were cheaters too. Cheaters may have learned by example OR they've never met anyone's expectations or even met their own. They search for someone who will except the fantasy person that they portray.

Most spouses are doing what Dr. Neuman suggests: encouraging, paying attention, having intimacy.

On the first show there was the couple who was having great sex, family life, but he was still cheating! Even this man was confused about why he was cheating. Why? It's because it was NOT about his marriage, family or job. It WAS about him! He was subconsciously sabotaging his marriage, family and life. One of the other couples sat there with same dazed “This is not it either.” look on their faces. In the second show most of the couples seemed to not to accept what Dr, Neuman was saying...that it was about the attention they received from the other woman and the fact that the wife was not fulfilling her duties in giving the proper attention to her husband. HOGWASH!

I was able to get my free download of Dr. M. Gary Neuman's book titled "The Truth About Cheating: Why Men Stray and How you Can Prevent It." that was offered following the first Oprah show that he appeared on. I have not read it yet and the above commentary is only on the Oprah shows that Dr. Neuman appeared and discussed why men cheat.

To be honest the audience was filled with uncomfortable and guilt ridden men and their wives that only wanted answers to why their husband cheated on them. To say that the women could not accept Dr. Neuman's explanation for why they cheat, would be an understatement. Most of the men sat taller in their seats as the doctor pointed the finger at the ladies, saying that they had to work harder at paying attention, having gratitude for what their husbands provided and did for them. Yet, when several women countered the good doctor on his direction by saying that this is a two way street with in the marriage AND that there is no excuse for cheating, especially in the case that a man's ego is not being fed. These women were angry and insisting, if not demanding that their husbands were not teenage boys with raging hormones, but mature adults that should be able to keep a moral code and ethic and not become weakened because their egos were not being stroked properly. Many women in the audience refused to accept the doctors theory and the commentary rages on in this vein after the show and on in the forums under this very same topic.

By the end of the show, the men were slouching in their seats again in a pool of their guilt, wondering why they did what they did, while their wives sat on the edges of their seats waiting to hear the correct answer or the real truth to 'Why men cheat?"

The solution to the cheating problem in both men and women has to come from the person who is cheating. Resolving childhood issues, finding their true north, practicing positive mindset which include affirmations, positive visualizations and healing their inner being, which will recalibrate a cheaters life. It is NOT about the wife and what she is or is not doing. It is NOT about the fact that the husband isn't getting enough sexual satisfaction. It is NOT about the marriage or the relationship. It is about the cheater sending out the vibration of a cheater, so they attract those who will help them cheat. It is about the emptiness that was there within the man or the woman even at the beginning of the marriage. The wife or husband has been able to fill the hole or feed the need until the cheater needs to up the ante, increase the dosage...get an attention fix. They choose to cheat! We are talking about a new type of addiction here...the addiction to people or attention...it is like a drug. Just like in other addictions the root lies in the past, in unresolved issues, low self-esteem, poor decisions and destructive behaviors. Does this sound familiar to anyone? It IS an addiction...not treated correctly...they will cheat again.

To blame the spouse for the cheaters actions is justification, rationalization and pointing blame in the wrong direction. The blame sits squarely on the cheater! It is up to the cheater to dig deep, work hard at resolving their problems and holding to their commitment to not choose to pick up their addiction again.

Dr.Neuman, you are wrong...wrong...wrong! Your explanation is only perpetuating this epidemic of cheating by pointing the finger of blame at the faithful partner. Shame on you!

NEW Women In MLC: The Dorothy Syndrome Forum

What the heck is the Dorothy Syndrome and what does it have to do with mid-life crisis?

Well, it has everything to do with MLC! The Dorothy Syndrome is a phrase that I coined and is the premise for my upcoming book titled "The Dorothy Syndrome: Mid-life on the Yellow Brick Road". While coaching at another web site forum, I started using the metaphors used in one of my favorite stories and movies..."The Wizard of OZ". I was astonished at how easily I could use the dialog from the movie or premise of the story to describe the transitions, emotions, the typical experiences that occur during an MLC, whether it be for the woman or the man. The forum members could easily understand the correlations and even began using the same analogies that I had started in my discussions.

As a preliminary promotion of my upcoming book I have created a forum for both women and men to come discuss, receive encouragement and guidance on MLC. I will be continuing my dialog using the Dorothy Syndrome metaphor/analogy. The forum for the women is primarily for women who are experiencing the crisis themselves, not necessarily for women who are dealing with their husbands who are in MLC, while the men's side is for husbands dealing with a wife in MLC. This forum is a safe haven for the women and learning ground for the men. It has been only recently that women in MLC has been acknowledge as a true experience that we go through. In fact the degree of MLC that women experience is STILL downplayed or brushed off as something that the woman will just get over or will end when they're finished going through menopause. Do not kid yourself...this is real...it can get very bad...it has many causes and triggers...it doesn't miraculously go away. Many families are being torn apart by this new phenomena....BUT...there is hope...in the knowledge and understanding of the what I call the MLC tornado, the process that each MLCer MUST go through to discover that they have always had the power to go "home".

Come join me at www.womeninmlc.lefora.com/forum/ and discover what you can do to avoid the pitfalls of having the Dorothy Syndrome or if you are living with a Dorothy...discover what you need to do to keep the Flying monkeys at bay. Even if you are not experiencing this phenomena...learn about the syndrome...keep your eye out for the signs...be amazed at how common it is today...send the link to a friend who may be in need of our counsel.

Believe me when I tell you...a person who is in MLC must travel the Yellow Brick Road to discover their brain, heart and courage...you can not tell them these things...they wouldn't believe you anyways.

Please join us!