On The Humorous Side: The Hot Flash Club

Welcome to the Hot Flash Club!

Whether you like it or not...this is the beginning of the rest of your life and it will be ushered in on a heat wave...it's too bad it couldn't happen on the beaches of Maui or the Bahamas...reality decided to have it happen across the landscape of your face, neck and body...OH, JOY!!! Isn't middle-age an adventure?!!!

Prepare yourself to coordinate your wardrobe with your coloring from now on...RED is going to be your enemy for the near term! Make sure you don't wear all red, because when you have a hot flash your clothes and skin will blend together...you'll look like a red hot chili pepper and I don't mean you will look like a member of the band with the same name...Oh…you'll look hot, but not sexy...hot...you'll be burning red hot all over...and there will be nothing chilly about you...your new nickname will be Pepper.

Don't worry though you'll learn how to do the newest mid-life dance craze...The Hot Flash...it is a striptease of sorts...there is nothing sexy about it...when you are finished you are dripping with sweat, standing naked in front of a fan and God help the man that wants to touch you after your performance! Your response to this will be: "You're kidding me...Right?!"

Your newest friend, who is replacing your old "friend" is full of as many surprises...but this time you will discover places that you never knew could sweat...new places that have aches and pains...but here is the bonus...you won't remember why...it's kind of like when you gave birth...all the pain of labor...you cursed your husband for putting through it…but afterward you don't remember any of it...so stupid you...you, do it again...then, you remember...you curse your husband...then forget again. Oh...yeah...you start to ramble… a lot because you can't remember your point. Yes, it affects your brain...the few brain cells you have left.

And the grand prize for entering into the Hot Flash Era is (drum roll, please!)

You will never have to worry about wearing white pants ever again!

Welcome...to Mid-Life...embrace the "hot"...and whatever you do... don't sweat the small stuff...it will be over in a flash!

Amy L. Harden Copyright 2008

Guest Blogger: The Lazy Women's Guide to MidLife Reinvention

With all due respect to Oprah, the life coach industry, and my overly-enthusiastic friend Y. who keeps insisting I live an "authentic" life, I'm beginning to think this midlife reinvention stuff is strictly for the birds.

It sounds simple enough in theory. Relying on the wisdom and experience that comes to us at midlife, we take a leap of faith and pursue our deepest passions. Armed with little more than faith in ourselves and a copy of The Secret in our hands, we go forth expecting good things to certainly come our way. 

And let's be honest - after decades spent raising kids, climbing the corporate ladder, and living with the same, predictable man, who among us isn't ready to shake things up a bit? 

Aiding and abetting us is an entire industry that's sprung up to support our ventures. From books to videos to weekend retreats, there is no shortage of charlatans - oops, I mean professionals - lining up to tell us how to get to the next big thing in our lives. 

At 47, I've ploughed through my fair share of reinvention attempts. From the would-be crafting business ($700 in supplies yielded three scarves, one sleeve and zero sales) to the "youthful and playful" hairstyle my new stylist talked me into (he goes by the name of Jean Paul but I prefer to think of him as Edward Scissorhands on speed), I've tried diligently to reinvent myself but sadly, never quite made the grade. 

Reflecting on my failures to launch, I believe I've learned a thing or two about the awakening that comes at this stage of life. As a gesture of support and solidarity for the midlife women who might be reading this, I'd like to pass on some thoughtful advice to make your own midlife reinventions go just that much more smoothly. 

The Lazy Woman's Guide To Midlife Reinvention

1. It's more fun talking about reinvention than actually reinventing.
The planning stage is by far the most rewarding part of the process. What can beat long, contemplative walks, detailed list making of our strengths and interests and endless discussions with friends over dinner about hopes, plans and dreams. 

Play your cards right and you can remain in this stage indefinitely.

2. Don't write a book - read a book.
For those of you who dream of penning the great Canadian novel, try reading a book instead.

Most of us are so busy that we barely have time to read a book. Wouldn't it be a challenge just to start one and finish it in a reasonable amount of time?

And I'm not talking about the dry and slightly depressing Canadian literature your book club insists on reading because it makes them feel intellectual. I'm talking about a good, juicy, Chick Lit read that you can't put down, even if it makes you feel slightly dirty when you're done. 

3. Forget being a Cougar, chasing sexy, younger men. Go after the old guys instead.
Not only is the competition less stiff, older men are much easier to catch. I mean come on - which 40-something woman among us can't outrun an octogenarian in a wheel chair?

4. If you're itching to start a business, keep things on a small scale.
Sure we hear about the success stories but if the truth be told, most businesses fail within a year or two of start-up. 

If you really must scratch your entrepreneurial itch, might I suggest taking a cue from all the mompreneurs of Generation X. Create a simple product and market it from the comfort of your own home. 

I, for one, am waiting for some enterprising midlife woman to invent much needed products like Flash Memory Cards to combat those embarrassing short-term memory blips that come with middle age.

5. Skip the makeover - just get rid of your mirrors.
Why spend thousands on Botox, fillers, a new hairstyle and wardrobe? You're still the same, wonderful person inside that you've always been. 

--Karen Hamilton lives in Toronto, Canada, where she publishes The Best Kept Secret, an e-newsletter and Web site for women over 40. Like the proverbial Seinfeld of the perimenopause set, Karen is fascinated with “the little things” of midlife. You can reach Karen via e-mail at karen@thebestkeptsecret.ca, visit her Web site at www.thebestkeptsecret.ca or enjoy more of her quirky humour at The Best Kept Secret Blog http://blog.thebestkeptsecret.ca/ .

Before the Tornado of MidLife Crisis Hits!

This is from the women's perspective only...what is going on in her brain and how her body reacts...it may be different for some and this occurs over time...not in a day:

When my children were young...two in diapers, one in pull-ups, one barely potty trained, one very clingy...my days were long and hard...one of my children or several of my children climbing on me, being carried, held, bottle fed...it seemed like all day long someone or something was touching me or wanted me to touch them. By the end of the day, I was exhausted...every tiny nerve under my skin was on hyper-drive...I could feel the electricity of it at times to the point of overload. Combine this with the emotions that you must feel and calibrate all day long...it was no wonder when my H came home and wanted a hug or God forbid wanted to intimate...his touch downright hurt or made the electric feeling underneath my skin streak through my body like electric shock. It was horrible. It was tiring...my H just didn't understand it. My sense of touch and being touched was way over stimulated....sexy this feeling did not make me. My only escape was sleep and even in sleep I could not be touched...forget sleeping like spoons, hugging, wrapped around one another...if my H touched me by accident while sleeping, I would bolt awake like I had hit by lightening.

As the years went by, this feeling changed...it turned in to numbness...my brain shut down when I was touched...in an effort to protect myself from the intense reactions...I started to not have any reaction to anything, physically or mentally...I flat lined...it was like my nervous system was broken from over use. I couldn't control it...my body was taking over just like when I was pregnant...you just have to go with it, you think. No matter how I tried I couldn't react...the fog...the numbness continued to set in...it was just like the main switch on my electrical board had switched in to the permanent "off" position...I just couldn't jump start myself and if I tried I immediately went in to overload again and I would crash in to numbness again. No matter how you look at it your whole body and emotions are out of whack...there is no escaping it and soon you grow tired of being tired and being in the "off" position...you feel like you are dieing a slow death from the inside out. You can't fight it anymore...you give in....OR maybe just maybe, if you could get away from what you believe is causing it. Yes, "flying" is a good answer...when you leave the house alone...the numbness slightly subsides...if you go to a room alone...the fog slightly lifts...when you are with others that don't expect anything from you or know nothing about you...you can be the person you dream of being without the fog, the numbness...most of all you can "breath". That is really all you want at this point...is to "breath"....to stand still for a very long time, doing nothing and just breathing. In doing this you can convince yourself that you are still alive... you are not lost...you are in here in each moment...not moving forward or backward...you just ARE!

BUT...this is not reality...life bombards you...as hard as you try to stand and just "be"...you feel attacked from all sides...draining the itty-bitty drops of strength or energy you regained while you had removed yourself from what you believe is sucking you drier than a desert. Leaving for short periods of time or escaping to your bedroom with door closed doesn't cut it anymore...you remove yourself completely! You make the decision to leave or you start evaluating who or what is the primary thing or person that causing you to feel like you do. Even though the kids do add to your present state...life is much easier when your H is not present...with his presence gone, maybe you could regain your life and he can take care of himself...he's an adult.

All you want is the numbness to go away...the fog to lift...you grow desperate...you have to do something or die!

Stay tuned...more to come...

If you are experiencing or anything you have read sounds familiar to you and you have a sneaking suspicion that you may be in Mid Life Crisis (MLC), please feel free to contact me here at my blog. I would be more than happy to direct you to the best places to receive encouragement or even take you on as a coaching client.

Am I Becoming Too Cynical or Bitter?

See the woman to the right....this is the woman that I fear I am becoming...OMG...please don't let this be!!

Since turning 50 years old, I have become more opinionated, less patient, frustrated with the world-at-large....everything seems to rub me the wrong way or will get a rise out of me...and don't forget to add in the new experience of having hot flashes at the most inconvenient of times. Coming of age, yet again, has been just as trying for me as embarking on my teenage years back in the 70's. I struggled then, as I struggle now with all the many changes in my body, in my mind and in the world that revolves around me!

Oprah wants me to find my purpose, while "giving BIG"; The Secret wants me to have a vision and reach for the stars; along with all the many second adulthood books for women out there who want me to jump out of airplanes, climb Mount Everest or give up my career and pursue the one dream I have always held near and dear to my heart....this usually involves wine tasting in France or Napa or renovating an old Victorian home as a Bed and Breakfast. I am supposed to do this while doing Pilate's or yoga fives days out of the week, watching my carbs and eating Omega-3/Antioxidant filled meals, plying my face and body with over priced natural creams and exlirs...ensuring I get eight hours of sleep...all in the pursuit of making sure that my eyes won't puff, my rear end won't drag and my muffin top (a residual from bearing my five children) will not hang over the top of the low-rise jeans that I am forced to purchase because no one carries a jean that covers a muffin top any more that doesn't look like pants that my 80 year old mother would wear.(WHEW!)!

Don't even get me started on plastic surgery, Botox and boob-jobs! My boobs are just fine, thank you very much!!

Do most people really have the extra pocket change to invest in all of this junk? Even though I do have extra money, these things are not what I want my money going toward just because the new way of keeping up with the Jone's is not only having the $800,000 and up custom built home, but being custom built ourselves...this is what will get us through the second half of our lives...Yes, indeed. It is all so temporary...all so material....superficial.!

Somehow I believe we are missing something here. In our effort to find our purpose and discover "the secret", we have raised the bar on ourselves yet again. We no longer view life experience and growth, knowledge and understanding as a priceless commodity...age and wisdom are dismissed. We will risk anything and everything to have what Mr and Mrs. Jones2008 has gotten for themselves. (Here's a Secret: Mr. and Mrs. Jones is in just as much debt, having the same trouble with their kids, is just as unhappy, if not more than most folks in the neighborhood...don't let Mr. Jones's sport car in the drive or Mrs. Jone's botox filled forehead & boob job fool ya!)!

We wrap our lives around celebrity, wanting to look, act and live like people we are not. Women have lost their elegance trying to look like they've walked out of the pages of a magazine, while men fear that being of noble character will some how offend the many women AND men in their lives...in the end men have been put in the position of being doormats.!

Simplicity is no longer simple...there is even a proper media dictated method of going about this also. Even in today's society trying to keep your life easy going, calm, uncomplicated...simple is work.
!

Now I ask you my friends...if all this be true...is there any wonder on most days that I worry that I will one day end up looking like the lady above? Maybe a good airplane jump or a trek up a mountain would do me some good....maybe a pinch of Botox in the corners of my mouth to force a smile.............NAH!!!!!!!

USA Today- Middle-Age Article No New News

"USA Today - "Middle-Age is truly depressing, study finds"

Duh! Okay...tell us something we don't already know and then don't tell us why this is the trend! Skim the surface of the subject and then have every news outlet from ABC's Good Morning America to the Evening News trot out all the middle aged Pollyanna's that have reached or are in Mid-Life "Nirvana". Give me a break!

I guess we will have to wait for the report to come out in the journal of Social Science and Medicine...but even then I am wondering if this research was too broad, not taking in to consideration cultural factors and various other indicators, let alone that they grouped men and women together...or did they?....they didn't tell us...now did they.

Let's just take the fact that the research study included people in 80 different countries, from Albania to Zimbabwe. WHAT?!!! I can't relate to this! Where does the U.S. fall in between these countries? Then they tell us that only 72 countries showed this "U-shaped pattern". Which countries showed this and did the U.S. fall into this grouping? What countries didn't have a "U-shaped pattern"? I don't know...do you?!

But we are supposed to remain calm...relax...accept what this study is showing...read the story...watch the news...take a collective sigh of relief as we realize that everyone who is entering into their 40s are depressed...it is out of their hands...just go with it....take your anti-depressant...it will all be over by your 50Th birthday! YEAH...RIGHT!

Excuse me, while I get into a lotus position...repeat my mantra and become one with the universe...

Who are these people kidding? Mid-Life is much more complex than this study is revealing...at least at this point.