CyberHotFlash: After the Blog Talk Radio Show - Internet Addiction and Dangers

Wake- up America!

Denial seems to be the number one past time of Americans today...especially the women of the United States! Not only do many women deny that they are in Mid-life Crisis…they deny that they could ever become addicted to the Internet, WHICH they use as a tool in the Crisis itself! Let’s not forget the complete denial about being victimized by a predator…OH! NO! Heaven Forbid!

Last week I posted an article on several women’s social networking sites on Internet Addiction and Mid-life Women which was met with such surprise and amazement that I would even suggest that women could or would allow themselves to become addicted to the internet. The shock was followed by complete denial of the problem existing to the degree that I had stated through research, which I received from Michael Shelby, one of the top experts and authorities on Internet/Virtual addiction in our country. These women could accept the fact that women could over-do their activity at women's social networks or Facebook...but the fact that I was suggesting that there is a secret community created just for married women who wanted to cheat was completely beyond these women’s comprehension! Many women couldn’t fathom the idea that there are predators on Facebook, My Space, Twitter, AIM or SKYPE!

When H Les Brown, Michael Shelby and I first started to discuss the topic of MidLife Matters radio show interview, we had no idea that the Craig’s List Killer would be caught and prove to be the most innocent looking of men OR that CNN/Parent’s Magazine would be publishing an article about how mother’s on the internet were neglecting their children due to their Internet activity. The reason behind my wanting to discuss this topic was because in the past six months, five of the husbands who had joined my internet forum on Women in MLC (Mid Life Crisis) were directly attributing the breakdown of their marriages to Internet activity or on-line affairs….which had then moved into actual physical affairs or addictive behaviors that led to their wives losing their high level jobs.

Less than a year ago at my forum, we were not necessarily concerned about a woman’s internet activity other than IF she had a profile at one or more of the many singles dating sites or at one of the High School reunion sites. Many women in MLC will create a profile at these sites to test the waters to see if anyone thinks that they are still attractive, personable, sexy or not. Early on these women are looking for an innocent “self-esteem massage” or a re-connect with an old boyfriend. Why? Most women in MLC are lacking in their ability to think clearly, wanting to escape the lives that they think is dragging them down…wanting a fantasy…their boundaries are blurred or non-existent…they are caught up in their roles as wives, mothers and caretakers…they have lost the woman of long ago before these roles sucked the life out of them. Women in MLC are on a quest…a mission of sorts to find who they are in the grand scheme of life…they dip in to the past…they reach out to a stranger…they convince themselves that it is safe and innocent. They are in their own homes…it is just on the computer…it is harmless!

Some women are not necessarily looking for the connection…it just happens! All it takes is a few men liking, winking at or tagging their profile picture or befriending them with a “looking for attention” phishing e-mail or wall post…or even the innocent Facebook/AIM/Google/SKYPE Pop-up Chat window saying “Hey, How are you?”. Before these women know it, they are telling a male stranger their whole life story and the guy is giving them the “self-esteem massage” that a woman didn’t even know they were really looking for…eventually becoming sexual and even asking for a meet-up.

Danger! Danger! Will Robinson!

The Craig’s List Killer should prove to every woman, whether addicted or not, they should be very careful about who they befriend, chat or e-mail. Please don’t come back with “I am not advertising erotic massage with like the girl that was killed.”…YOU are advertising something…You are advertising that you are needy and you have your guard down…you are willing to take a risk on someone or something that you know nothing about. The rules we set for our children about talking with strangers over the internet go for the women of the world also.

What makes a woman think that there isn’t a predator out there looking for them also?

What makes a woman think that that gorgeous guy with the six-pack abs and tan is real and out chatting up all the ladies on the web and if he is…what makes them think that the guy isn’t a player, user, and a gigolo?

Remember, “Looking for Mr. Goodbar”?

Well, Mr. Goodbar has moved to the web and he isn’t Richard Gere!

He’s a dumpy 37 year old guy, who lives in his mother’s basement playing video/internet games all day because he lost his job at WalMart six months ago…or even a married man with four kids, a wife, house, job and car who’s out for the same escape that you are….OR…he could be someone like the Craig’s List Killer, but he is not looking for a massage or money!

Now, at this point I would like to bring up a comment by one woman after my first article on this topic…the woman said I was generalizing on the topic…and maybe in that article I was…because I was introducing the topic and how I dealt with it at my forum. I was testing the waters and using the article as a promotion for the BTR interview that was coming up. The article was primarily written for the men of women in MLC, yet reworked so women could benefit from the information. I felt it was a topic that women should contemplate, consider…be aware of and know that they are not immune to the dangers of the Internet or the fact that they too could become addicted. I still feel strongly about the subject and I hope continue to write and research on it.

All I ask is… Please don’t deny the existence of Internet Addiction and dangers…that the women who are on the internet take note of the warning here…it could save you a lot of struggle, pain, hurt …it may save your marriage, your family and children…it may even save your life!


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Internet Addiction and Mid-life Women

In my experience as a writer, researcher and coach for Women in Mid-life Crisis and Depression the number one escape used to be your typical offenders...alcohol, drugs, shopping and more than likely the "affair"...all are addictions or the drug of choice. BUT...the newest drug of choice which is used to feed the other drug..."The Affair"...is now the Internet. Women have given themselves permission to use the Internet as a tool to have what they believe as innocent dalliances with men. It has grown to the point that some married women are even creating pornographic web cam sites that they live out their sexual fantasies from a distance...they excuse it as not being an affair because it is "physical"...they aren't harming anyone...they don't even know these men who watch them. They convince themselves that it is innocent!

Tell this to the husband's at the Women in MLC forum, who have recently joined telling us that their wife was rolling on the floor in a 2-year tirade because he had turned off the Internet access...or the man who's wife was recently asked to resign from an administrative level job because she was caught after hours holding a pornographic peep show on the company owned computer in her office.



This IS Internet addiction...just like Internet pornography addiction for a man...women are not looking at the pornography...they are participating in it!

It is the same thing but now women are finding their own way of doing it and it is coming out through Internet dating and singles sites. I have never checked out Second Life...but many women who are caught in an MLC find their way to Match, eHarmony or Ashley Madison and other web sites that are popping up on the Internet specifically geared for women who are married and want to have an affair. Even SKYPE is filled with women married and single who are sharing their wares or sexual fantasies with men around the world and there is a ton of men out there that are looking for exactly this type of supposed "innocent" dalliance.

The key to all of this is the perception that Internet sexual activity is "innocent"...it means nothing. This is why is it is so important to understand that the emotional affair is just as harmful as the physical affair. An emotional affair is just as destructive...it eats away at the fabric of what is right and good in a marriage. This is why even in the Bible it says that to even lust in one's mind is a form of adultery. If a person will emotionally commit adultery the chances that they will give themselves permission to commit physical adultery grows larger...they become numb to the consequence of their actions.

Internet activity needs to have its' perimeters. A woman MUST be very careful about who she is associating and talking with...there are Internet predators on-line that are looking for desperate, lonely women, who have low self-esteems...ready and willing and able to RISK everything and anything for just the thrill of a few moments of internet sexual thrills.

Internet addiction with women can start as simply as creating a Facebook or My Space profile...even going to some of the women's based social networks or magazines that are popping up on-line all the time that allow men to also join. A woman MUST be diligent in who she befriends on the internet. There are also many applications that can be added to their profiles which non-verbally opens her up to be hit on by men who really don't care that her profile says that she is married or not. Many women who are married, but looking to get a self-esteem massage, will not indicate their relationship status or they just say they want to make friends and network.

Checking your wife's internet activity is one of the FIRST a things a husband should do. Be thorough with your checking...not just the history of her activity...go to her profiles and see who she is befriending...go to the friend's profile and see what type of a person they are and who they are also talking with on a day to day basis. If the friend’s list is filled with good-looking women…this man is creating a stable…it is the first tip off that his Facebook or Social Network is NOT for business…it is for his viewing and hitting on pleasure.

The following is a list of internet sites that you should be looking for:

Facebook 

My Space

SKYPE

Match

eHarmony

Ashley Maddison

Yearbook

Classmates

Chemistry

SugarDaddie

MarriedDateLink

AffairsClub

AffairsMatch

LonelyWivesAffair

meet2cheat

BeNaughty

MarriedSecrets

MarriedCafe

FindNewPassion

Desperate-Wives

Tagged


There could be more...but this is the list I pulled from one search off of Google. Please know that any Social Network is a venue for your wife to search for an on-line affair. You just never know who is lurking there.

 
Please join us at Women in MLC  a Forum for women who are struggling with transitioning through mid-life and found themselves in crisis are more than welcome, aalong with the husband's who are have found themselves cauught up in the storm of their wive's MLC...Please join us today!

Additional Information on this topic:

Since publishing this article, I have had several people make me aware of another web site that is very addictive with sexual overtones that can be used by women who want to play with the idea of an Emotional Affair over the internet. The web site is called SecondLife, a 3-D Virtual World. I will admit that I only went to the main page and did not download the game to look at it personally....but I have it by good authority from a husband whose wife became addicted to this site and met several men, who she then had emotional afairs with. Please add this to the above list.

I am not proposing that only women fall prey to Internet Addiction..in fact until recently the statistics for women becoming addicted to internet activity was extremely low. It has only been in the past three years that Experts, such Michael Shelby(www.shallbe.com) and Dr. David Greenfield (www.virtual-addiction.com) have found that women are increasingly becoming addicted to the internet...to almost the same levels as men.

In fact, Internet Addiction does not discriminate. the afore mentioned experts are seeing all ages, gender, race, class, religion...you name it coming through their doors asking for help to loosen the grip or tackle this addiction. It is even being looked at by the AMA as a classified addiction that needs to be treated and can be detrimental to the health and well-being of the person who is addicted.(i.e. which will mean helath insurance companies will recognize it as an official addiction and cover rehabilitation and treatment)

So, this topic is not light one. Internet Addictions can not be blown off anymore to just a man looking at porn on his computer. Internet addiction is breaking up marriages, families and homes. It is not just a man's problem anymore...the women have found a way to use the internet in such a way that it is addictive and feeding a need that they are lacking in...it is not harmless or innocent in any way shape or form.

Many women are in denial not only about their MLC...but also about their vulnerabilty to internet addiction...these very same women have lectured their children about the fantasyland time on the internet and cautioned them against internet predators, all the while not realizing that they are suusceptible to the very same dangers.

So, what can we do about it? Be aware! Don't be in denial about it! Know that internet addiction doesn't discriminate. My main point is: Women in Mid-Life Crisis are even more susceptible to Internet addiction because it is fantasy; it can be anonymous; it feeds a need or fills a hole that is lacking; it provides what they believe is innocent, permissable thrills and adventure..ESCAPE from there real world....and on top of it all there are predators out there that are so willing and able to accommodate it!

If you are interested in this topic, please tune in Thursday night, April 23rd at 8:00 PM EST to H Les Brown's Blog Talk Radio Show - Midlife Mastery, where Les, Michael Shelby and I will discuss Virtual/Internet Addiction and Women at Mid-life.
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In our troubled economy with people losing their jobs, savings, homes...the lives that they have known...what could be better then receiving a a FREE HUG!

Everyone needs encouragement...love...touch...an embrace! We, as human beings will not survive, grow and flourish. In an effort to promote the selfless work of Juan Mann...Give FREE Hugs to as many people as you can today, tomorrow ...every day...especially to those you may not even know. You just might give a hug to a person who has been starving, thirsty for the embrace of human kind.

Maybe the answer to all of our troubles comes in a mere HUG...a gentle word of encouragement...letting people know that we care in the split second of an embrace two spirits come together and feel the power of the universe...we feel a higher power..God...at work.

There is HOPE in a FREE Hug!

Consider yourself Cyber -Hugged by me! BE well, my friends...Be welll!

Guest Blogger: Bobbie Hinman: You Are Never Too Old To Follow Your Dreams

You Are Never Too Old To Follow Your Dreams

By Bobbie Hinman

What do you mean, “You’re too old to start a publishing company!”?

Sixty-three isn’t old!

In fact, my years of life experience have finally given me the knowledge (and admittedly, the guts) to do something that I have always wanted to do – write children’s books. I wrote several small books in college and thus began my love of children’s literature. I didn’t have time to do it right after college. I was too busy teaching and putting my husband through school. I didn’t have time to do it while I was raising a family. I always put their needs first, knowing that my time would come. And this is just the right time.

My ideas for a series of fairy books grew out of the need to explain to my ten precious grandchildren the answer to some of the universal mysteries of life, such as “How did my hair get so tangled while I was asleep?” and “Whatever happened to my other sock?” I could have submitted my ideas to other publishers and waited for the rejection letters to roll in. No, I wasn’t being overly pessimistic. It’s just a known fact in the book world that a number of rejection letters almost always precede that special acceptance letter. At 63, I didn’t want to waste any time. I decided to form my own publishing company. My other motive for going this route in place of traditional publishing was that I wanted to retain control of all of the decisions about artwork, design, and all the other headache-producing decisions. I wanted excitement, work and challenges.

My children are grown and it has become increasingly important to me to leave them a legacy, one that isn’t measured in dollars and cents, one that will leave them something that they, in turn, can leave to their children.

   I have returned to my educational roots, started my own publishing company, and have released two children’s books. The Knot Fairy explains one of the universal mysteries of life – “How did my hair get so tangled while I was sleeping?” The Sock Fairy reveals the answers behind the dilemma of missing socks. Soon, my third book, The Belly Button Fairy will be released. In just a few short years, my books have won a total of eleven children’s book awards. But the real award is seeing the pride in my grandchildren’s eyes and knowing that this legacy will live on, and that I have taught them two valuable lessons in life:

(1) you can do whatever you want if you just work hard and never give up; and

(2) It’s never too late to follow your dreams.

Visit Bobbie Hinman at:

http://bestfairybooks.com

http://bobbiehinman.blogspot.com

HUGGIES® Diapers -

This commercial had me laughing so hard that I cried. Maybe it is just a "mother thing"...but this is hilarious!

The Compass Movie - Official Trailer

If this is the time for "CHANGE"...then it is the time for The Compass! Find your direction by pre-ordering the next phenomena since the The Secret...The Compass! Go to this link and click on to pre-order your copy today. http://tinyurl.com/ch4vwo

Pick of the Week: Broken Open

Check out Broken Open written by author Elizabeth Lesser, who recently joined Oprah during her Best Life Week.

The author has written this book on dealing with difficult times, while telling her own mid-life experience, which included her divorce and an affair. During her appearance on the Oprah show, she never mentioned the affair but mainly focused on the changes that occurred during her healing after the divorce. Her point is to focus on the extreme events in our lives that change...some are from our own choices and some are forced upon us. She highlights the grieving process of one family who lost their son in a motorcycle accident.

Strangely enough, this is yet another story of a woman who has acted badly during an MLC, yet comes up victorious in the end. My only question is, if she needed to sacrifice her marriage, by entering in to an affair, which ultimately caused her to be "Broken Open"? Could she have come to the same conclusions without the brokenness? Will this book give women around the world permission to do the same things as she has...only to be broken open also? I don't think so...but at the same time, I see this book's merit...because people are being broken open everywhere nowadays!

A powerful message, secular or New Age perspective. If you want a Christian perspective, please look at Beth Moore's book Get Out of That Pit.

Join us at Women in MLC: A forum for Women in Mid-Life Crisis and for the Men that Love them. You don't have to be Broken Open to change.

Inventing The Rest of Our Lives: EYE CONTACT

Inventing The Rest of Our Lives: EYE CONTACT 

An excellent article by Suzanne Braun Levine, the author of  Inventing the Rest of Our Lives: Women in Second Adulthood

Me Braun Levine is one of the top writers in her niche.  She is releasing another book in April called "Fifty is the New Fifty", where she interviewed many women 50, 60, 70 years old about moving in to the second half of their lives.  I am sure she will not disappoint, as all her other books and articles are thoroughly researched giving an up-to-date perspective on mid-life transition.  Her perspective could be categorized as a feminist viewpoint, supported by Gloria Steinem, Jane Fonda, Marlo Thomas and Isabella Rossellini.

"Ten lessons to maximize creativity and happiness in the second half of life

In this inspiring new book, Suzanne Braun Levine follows her groundbreaking Inventing the Rest of Our Lives with fresh insights, research, and practical advice on the challenges and unexpected rewards for women in their fifties and beyond. Rich with anecdotes from the front lines of self-reinvention, this book captures the voices of women who are confronting change, renegotiating their relationships, and discovering who they are now that they are finally grown up. Among the lessons are: “No” is not a four-letter Word, on the energizing power of standing up for what you mean and what you want; Do unto yourself as you have been doing unto others, a new way of getting yourself to the top of the to-do list; and Your marriage can make it, reassurance that changing your outlook doesn’t have to mean walking away from your marriage. Shaped by Levine’s empathetic and lively voice, this book is about wisdom, survival, joy, and camaraderie. It reads like a conversation among women who know what they are talking about and want to share what they have discovered." (From Amazon)

"Eye Contact" is an article about her realization of how people communicate more intimately via the internet and her own struggle with this new found intimacy.   In the end, she has decided that "Eye Contact" is not necessarily needed to understand or feel the emotions that people relay over the internet.  Even Ms Braun-Levine is growing in the second half of her life!

Please join us at Women in MLC, a forum created for women who are in Mid-Life Crisis and for the men who love them. 

OMG...Oprah is in Mid-Life Crisis!

OMG…Is Oprah having a Mid-life Crisis?
  
Yesterday on the first show of a much publicized series called the “Best Life Week”, Oprah admitted that she had not been taking care of her self and again regained 40 lbs. of weight that she so masterfully and publicly lost in the past. In front of God and millions of the shows fans, she admitted that she had forgotten to take care of herself first! During the show she demonstrated how this happened.

With her assistant by her side, she showed her daily calendar, which was packed to the gills with meetings and events that did not include any personal time for the popular talk show host and entrepreneur. It was evident just by looking at the calendar; Oprah had become a work alcoholic! Time to change her calendar and take time for herself, which she did, yet still attacking the change with the fervor that is Oprah!  

She spoke of her health, the weight gain and her revelation that she had been focusing on everything and everyone else first. As I sat and watched this show, I heard Oprah telling the world the very same things I hear from women and the men of wives all over the world who come to my Women in MLC (Mid Life Crisis) Forum. Oprah’s life cup was draining and the physical evidence is her weight gain. 

Could the illustrious Oprah Winfrey be experiencing a Mid-Life Crisis?!

In my head I went through the mid-life crisis litmus quiz that we give everyone at the forum, which is made up of triggers that have occurred over the past five to ten years. With the public information we know is true, let’s put Oprah to the test by using these triggers that we know the answers to:

• Death or experiencing Grief – Two of Oprah’s much beloved dogs died in the past two years. The dogs for Oprah were considered family or much like her own children…so, consider this the death of a child…twice! Add in any other significant others who have passed in the past five to ten years.
• Increased responsibility at Work – Oprah opened her school for girls in South Africa., plus she had to deal with a public event of a worker who had been accused of mistreatment of the girl’s at the school. The premier and subsequent building of a top magazine. Her support of Barack Obama in his campaign. To much more to list. The woman is a work alcoholic! 
• Health Issues and Illness – Oprah was diagnosed with a thyroid condition and possible heart issues. She has been in treatment and dealing with it. Add in her admitted struggle with her weight.  
• Moving – How many houses does Oprah have in how many areas of the world? I have lost count, but with each new residence that she has acquired, we could consider this a move for her, even though she probably has a team of people handling the redecorating and move…it is still a move for Oprah.
• Childhood issues and/or History – We all know that Ms Winfrey was molested by a family member when she was young….this is an issue, along with her long time estrangement from her father until later on in her life. Are these issues really resolved? Ms Winfrey has always struggled with her weight and maybe she is still struggling with self-image issues that have reared their ugly heads later on in life. She has admitted that much of her outgoing personality we see on TV comes from her childhood need to be accepted.
• Finances: Increase or Decrease – Oprah is the richest or one of the richest and powerful women in the world. The pressure of being a wealthy person can and could be very dominating…it bears a heavy responsibility. Many people are dependant upon her for their livelihoods AND as we all know, money does not buy happiness. In the ever increasing concern over the economy, Oprah and her money mangers may be concerned over what she has invested her money in and what she will be able to do in the future.  
• Relationships – Since Ms Winfrey keeps her relationship with her long time partner Stedman Graham very private, only he would know the answers to the following:
o Has Oprah dropped the “I Love You But I am Not In Love With You” statement on you lately?
o How’s your sex life? Non-existent? Struggling? Low sexual –libido?
o Is she asking for more space?
o Any suspicions about relationships with other people?
o Do the two of you have a history of affairs or cheating? (Maybe the reason for the intense interest in “Why Men Cheat”.)

Oprah hits several targets straight on with many of the public knowledge and answers to MLC Triggers. The rest is her private business, but if we did know the answers to these other questions, I could definitively say that Oprah Winfrey is just like many other women in the US and around the world.  

I know many people will not be organizing a collective “pity party” for the queen of daytime talk shows over her present state, but the fact that we can see that even Oprah can possibly go through a Mid-life Crisis makes her a bit more human. All the money in world or celebrity can NOT keep a person from avoiding the dreaded MLC.  

The important thing that we need to take note of is that Ms Winfrey is NOT in denial...she has realised her priority is to take care of herself first and as long as she doesn't start weeding out her relationships,  maintaining her coping skills and realises that change comes through subconscious change and not conscious change...well, she will transition through this time in her life in Oprah Winfrey fashion.  

Oprah is having a Mid-life Crisis and hers will be a very public one!

PS: Oprah: You are alsways welcome at our forum: Women in MLC.

 

On The Humorous Side: The Hot Flash Club

Welcome to the Hot Flash Club!

Whether you like it or not...this is the beginning of the rest of your life and it will be ushered in on a heat wave...it's too bad it couldn't happen on the beaches of Maui or the Bahamas...reality decided to have it happen across the landscape of your face, neck and body...OH, JOY!!! Isn't middle-age an adventure?!!!

Prepare yourself to coordinate your wardrobe with your coloring from now on...RED is going to be your enemy for the near term! Make sure you don't wear all red, because when you have a hot flash your clothes and skin will blend together...you'll look like a red hot chili pepper and I don't mean you will look like a member of the band with the same name...Oh…you'll look hot, but not sexy...hot...you'll be burning red hot all over...and there will be nothing chilly about you...your new nickname will be Pepper.

Don't worry though you'll learn how to do the newest mid-life dance craze...The Hot Flash...it is a striptease of sorts...there is nothing sexy about it...when you are finished you are dripping with sweat, standing naked in front of a fan and God help the man that wants to touch you after your performance! Your response to this will be: "You're kidding me...Right?!"

Your newest friend, who is replacing your old "friend" is full of as many surprises...but this time you will discover places that you never knew could sweat...new places that have aches and pains...but here is the bonus...you won't remember why...it's kind of like when you gave birth...all the pain of labor...you cursed your husband for putting through it…but afterward you don't remember any of it...so stupid you...you, do it again...then, you remember...you curse your husband...then forget again. Oh...yeah...you start to ramble… a lot because you can't remember your point. Yes, it affects your brain...the few brain cells you have left.

And the grand prize for entering into the Hot Flash Era is (drum roll, please!)

You will never have to worry about wearing white pants ever again!

Welcome...to Mid-Life...embrace the "hot"...and whatever you do... don't sweat the small stuff...it will be over in a flash!

Amy L. Harden Copyright 2008