Friday, April 24, 2009

CyberHotFlash: After the Blog Talk Radio Show - Internet Addiction and Dangers

Wake- up America!

Denial seems to be the number one past time of Americans today...especially the women of the United States! Not only do many women deny that they are in Mid-life Crisis…they deny that they could ever become addicted to the Internet, WHICH they use as a tool in the Crisis itself! Let’s not forget the complete denial about being victimized by a predator…OH! NO! Heaven Forbid!

Last week I posted an article on several women’s social networking sites on Internet Addiction and Mid-life Women which was met with such surprise and amazement that I would even suggest that women could or would allow themselves to become addicted to the internet. The shock was followed by complete denial of the problem existing to the degree that I had stated through research, which I received from Michael Shelby, one of the top experts and authorities on Internet/Virtual addiction in our country. These women could accept the fact that women could over-do their activity at women's social networks or Facebook...but the fact that I was suggesting that there is a secret community created just for married women who wanted to cheat was completely beyond these women’s comprehension! Many women couldn’t fathom the idea that there are predators on Facebook, My Space, Twitter, AIM or SKYPE!

When H Les Brown, Michael Shelby and I first started to discuss the topic of MidLife Matters radio show interview, we had no idea that the Craig’s List Killer would be caught and prove to be the most innocent looking of men OR that CNN/Parent’s Magazine would be publishing an article about how mother’s on the internet were neglecting their children due to their Internet activity. The reason behind my wanting to discuss this topic was because in the past six months, five of the husbands who had joined my internet forum on Women in MLC (Mid Life Crisis) were directly attributing the breakdown of their marriages to Internet activity or on-line affairs….which had then moved into actual physical affairs or addictive behaviors that led to their wives losing their high level jobs.

Less than a year ago at my forum, we were not necessarily concerned about a woman’s internet activity other than IF she had a profile at one or more of the many singles dating sites or at one of the High School reunion sites. Many women in MLC will create a profile at these sites to test the waters to see if anyone thinks that they are still attractive, personable, sexy or not. Early on these women are looking for an innocent “self-esteem massage” or a re-connect with an old boyfriend. Why? Most women in MLC are lacking in their ability to think clearly, wanting to escape the lives that they think is dragging them down…wanting a fantasy…their boundaries are blurred or non-existent…they are caught up in their roles as wives, mothers and caretakers…they have lost the woman of long ago before these roles sucked the life out of them. Women in MLC are on a quest…a mission of sorts to find who they are in the grand scheme of life…they dip in to the past…they reach out to a stranger…they convince themselves that it is safe and innocent. They are in their own homes…it is just on the computer…it is harmless!

Some women are not necessarily looking for the connection…it just happens! All it takes is a few men liking, winking at or tagging their profile picture or befriending them with a “looking for attention” phishing e-mail or wall post…or even the innocent Facebook/AIM/Google/SKYPE Pop-up Chat window saying “Hey, How are you?”. Before these women know it, they are telling a male stranger their whole life story and the guy is giving them the “self-esteem massage” that a woman didn’t even know they were really looking for…eventually becoming sexual and even asking for a meet-up.

Danger! Danger! Will Robinson!

The Craig’s List Killer should prove to every woman, whether addicted or not, they should be very careful about who they befriend, chat or e-mail. Please don’t come back with “I am not advertising erotic massage with like the girl that was killed.”…YOU are advertising something…You are advertising that you are needy and you have your guard down…you are willing to take a risk on someone or something that you know nothing about. The rules we set for our children about talking with strangers over the internet go for the women of the world also.

What makes a woman think that there isn’t a predator out there looking for them also?

What makes a woman think that that gorgeous guy with the six-pack abs and tan is real and out chatting up all the ladies on the web and if he is…what makes them think that the guy isn’t a player, user, and a gigolo?

Remember, “Looking for Mr. Goodbar”?

Well, Mr. Goodbar has moved to the web and he isn’t Richard Gere!

He’s a dumpy 37 year old guy, who lives in his mother’s basement playing video/internet games all day because he lost his job at WalMart six months ago…or even a married man with four kids, a wife, house, job and car who’s out for the same escape that you are….OR…he could be someone like the Craig’s List Killer, but he is not looking for a massage or money!

Now, at this point I would like to bring up a comment by one woman after my first article on this topic…the woman said I was generalizing on the topic…and maybe in that article I was…because I was introducing the topic and how I dealt with it at my forum. I was testing the waters and using the article as a promotion for the BTR interview that was coming up. The article was primarily written for the men of women in MLC, yet reworked so women could benefit from the information. I felt it was a topic that women should contemplate, consider…be aware of and know that they are not immune to the dangers of the Internet or the fact that they too could become addicted. I still feel strongly about the subject and I hope continue to write and research on it.

All I ask is… Please don’t deny the existence of Internet Addiction and dangers…that the women who are on the internet take note of the warning here…it could save you a lot of struggle, pain, hurt …it may save your marriage, your family and children…it may even save your life!


Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Internet Addiction and Mid-life Women

In my experience as a writer, researcher and coach for Women in Mid-life Crisis and Depression the number one escape used to be your typical offenders...alcohol, drugs, shopping and more than likely the "affair"...all are addictions or the drug of choice. BUT...the newest drug of choice which is used to feed the other drug..."The Affair" now the Internet. Women have given themselves permission to use the Internet as a tool to have what they believe as innocent dalliances with men. It has grown to the point that some married women are even creating pornographic web cam sites that they live out their sexual fantasies from a distance...they excuse it as not being an affair because it is "physical"...they aren't harming anyone...they don't even know these men who watch them. They convince themselves that it is innocent!

Tell this to the husband's at the Women in MLC forum, who have recently joined telling us that their wife was rolling on the floor in a 2-year tirade because he had turned off the Internet access...or the man who's wife was recently asked to resign from an administrative level job because she was caught after hours holding a pornographic peep show on the company owned computer in her office.

This IS Internet addiction...just like Internet pornography addiction for a man...women are not looking at the pornography...they are participating in it!

It is the same thing but now women are finding their own way of doing it and it is coming out through Internet dating and singles sites. I have never checked out Second Life...but many women who are caught in an MLC find their way to Match, eHarmony or Ashley Madison and other web sites that are popping up on the Internet specifically geared for women who are married and want to have an affair. Even SKYPE is filled with women married and single who are sharing their wares or sexual fantasies with men around the world and there is a ton of men out there that are looking for exactly this type of supposed "innocent" dalliance.

The key to all of this is the perception that Internet sexual activity is "innocent" means nothing. This is why is it is so important to understand that the emotional affair is just as harmful as the physical affair. An emotional affair is just as eats away at the fabric of what is right and good in a marriage. This is why even in the Bible it says that to even lust in one's mind is a form of adultery. If a person will emotionally commit adultery the chances that they will give themselves permission to commit physical adultery grows larger...they become numb to the consequence of their actions.

Internet activity needs to have its' perimeters. A woman MUST be very careful about who she is associating and talking with...there are Internet predators on-line that are looking for desperate, lonely women, who have low self-esteems...ready and willing and able to RISK everything and anything for just the thrill of a few moments of internet sexual thrills.

Internet addiction with women can start as simply as creating a Facebook or My Space profile...even going to some of the women's based social networks or magazines that are popping up on-line all the time that allow men to also join. A woman MUST be diligent in who she befriends on the internet. There are also many applications that can be added to their profiles which non-verbally opens her up to be hit on by men who really don't care that her profile says that she is married or not. Many women who are married, but looking to get a self-esteem massage, will not indicate their relationship status or they just say they want to make friends and network.

Checking your wife's internet activity is one of the FIRST a things a husband should do. Be thorough with your checking...not just the history of her activity...go to her profiles and see who she is befriending...go to the friend's profile and see what type of a person they are and who they are also talking with on a day to day basis. If the friend’s list is filled with good-looking women…this man is creating a stable…it is the first tip off that his Facebook or Social Network is NOT for business…it is for his viewing and hitting on pleasure.

The following is a list of internet sites that you should be looking for:


My Space




Ashley Maddison
















There could be more...but this is the list I pulled from one search off of Google. Please know that any Social Network is a venue for your wife to search for an on-line affair. You just never know who is lurking there.

Please join us at Women in MLC  a Forum for women who are struggling with transitioning through mid-life and found themselves in crisis are more than welcome, aalong with the husband's who are have found themselves cauught up in the storm of their wive's MLC...Please join us today!

Additional Information on this topic:

Since publishing this article, I have had several people make me aware of another web site that is very addictive with sexual overtones that can be used by women who want to play with the idea of an Emotional Affair over the internet. The web site is called SecondLife, a 3-D Virtual World. I will admit that I only went to the main page and did not download the game to look at it personally....but I have it by good authority from a husband whose wife became addicted to this site and met several men, who she then had emotional afairs with. Please add this to the above list.

I am not proposing that only women fall prey to Internet fact until recently the statistics for women becoming addicted to internet activity was extremely low. It has only been in the past three years that Experts, such Michael Shelby( and Dr. David Greenfield ( have found that women are increasingly becoming addicted to the almost the same levels as men.

In fact, Internet Addiction does not discriminate. the afore mentioned experts are seeing all ages, gender, race, class, name it coming through their doors asking for help to loosen the grip or tackle this addiction. It is even being looked at by the AMA as a classified addiction that needs to be treated and can be detrimental to the health and well-being of the person who is addicted.(i.e. which will mean helath insurance companies will recognize it as an official addiction and cover rehabilitation and treatment)

So, this topic is not light one. Internet Addictions can not be blown off anymore to just a man looking at porn on his computer. Internet addiction is breaking up marriages, families and homes. It is not just a man's problem anymore...the women have found a way to use the internet in such a way that it is addictive and feeding a need that they are lacking is not harmless or innocent in any way shape or form.

Many women are in denial not only about their MLC...but also about their vulnerabilty to internet addiction...these very same women have lectured their children about the fantasyland time on the internet and cautioned them against internet predators, all the while not realizing that they are suusceptible to the very same dangers.

So, what can we do about it? Be aware! Don't be in denial about it! Know that internet addiction doesn't discriminate. My main point is: Women in Mid-Life Crisis are even more susceptible to Internet addiction because it is fantasy; it can be anonymous; it feeds a need or fills a hole that is lacking; it provides what they believe is innocent, permissable thrills and adventure..ESCAPE from there real world....and on top of it all there are predators out there that are so willing and able to accommodate it!

If you are interested in this topic, please tune in Thursday night, April 23rd at 8:00 PM EST to H Les Brown's Blog Talk Radio Show - Midlife Mastery, where Les, Michael Shelby and I will discuss Virtual/Internet Addiction and Women at Mid-life.


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