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Friday, September 26, 2008

If Your Spouse is Cheating...It's All Your Fault!

The most popular topic on the Oprah.com lately has been about the two most recent visits by Dr. M. Gary Neuman, author of “Why Men Cheat”. Women by the millions tuned in both days to find out the answer to this most frustrating, devastating and destructive subject, only to find out that, in a nut shell, it was primarily their fault. Did you hear the deafening, angry screaming coming from all the homes of Oprah fans across the nation...probably across the world? Every married woman, whether they had been cheated on or not, leapt out of their seats screaming, “Are you kidding me? It's MY fault! Oh, no, it's NOT!

Dr. M. Gary Neuman has got it wrong about why men cheat and he'll have it wrong for women too!

It doesn't have anything to do with the marriage or the relationship or sex. It has nothing to do with being a man or a woman...it has everything to do with being a broken human being.

Yes, it's about attention...but NOT the fact that the spouse isn't meeting the needs of their partner in the attention category.

Yes, most marriages get consumed by the every day stresses of raising a family, working and taking care of their homes. Marriage is work...relationships have their ups and downs...life happens. Husbands and wives enter in to their marriages with expectations that are perpetuated by the media, entertainment and a society that is sexually over-stimulated with little moral fortitude. This is a broad cultural explanation and not addressing the root causes of why human beings cheat on their mates.

The reason men AND women cheat is their mindset is wrong. They are relying on others to define them, feed their egos and fill holes that have been left empty since childhood. It is a flaw or disconnect with the individual that is cheating. Cheating occurs due to an inability to cope with an individuals life in the present, as a result of what has occurred in their past. The spouse is paying the bill for all of the past sins, circumstances, relationships and experiences that is stuffed in the cheaters baggage.

My research has shown most women and men who cheat are control freaks or perfectionists; either first-born, babies or only children in their families. Yes, it's more emotional than physical BUT if asked, you will discover certain personality traits, unresolved childhood issues that relate to physical/emotional abuse, exposure to addiction, broken homes or that their parents were cheaters too. Cheaters may have learned by example OR they've never met anyone's expectations or even met their own. They search for someone who will except the fantasy person that they portray.

Most spouses are doing what Dr. Neuman suggests: encouraging, paying attention, having intimacy.

On the first show there was the couple who was having great sex, family life, but he was still cheating! Even this man was confused about why he was cheating. Why? It's because it was NOT about his marriage, family or job. It WAS about him! He was subconsciously sabotaging his marriage, family and life. One of the other couples sat there with same dazed “This is not it either.” look on their faces. In the second show most of the couples seemed to not to accept what Dr, Neuman was saying...that it was about the attention they received from the other woman and the fact that the wife was not fulfilling her duties in giving the proper attention to her husband. HOGWASH!


I was able to get my free download of Dr. M. Gary Neuman's book titled "The Truth About Cheating: Why Men Stray and How you Can Prevent It." that was offered following the first Oprah show that he appeared on. I have not read it yet and the above commentary is only on the Oprah shows that Dr. Neuman appeared and discussed why men cheat.

To be honest the audience was filled with uncomfortable and guilt ridden men and their wives that only wanted answers to why their husband cheated on them. To say that the women could not accept Dr. Neuman's explanation for why they cheat, would be an understatement. Most of the men sat taller in their seats as the doctor pointed the finger at the ladies, saying that they had to work harder at paying attention, having gratitude for what their husbands provided and did for them. Yet, when several women countered the good doctor on his direction by saying that this is a two way street with in the marriage AND that there is no excuse for cheating, especially in the case that a man's ego is not being fed. These women were angry and insisting, if not demanding that their husbands were not teenage boys with raging hormones, but mature adults that should be able to keep a moral code and ethic and not become weakened because their egos were not being stroked properly. Many women in the audience refused to accept the doctors theory and the commentary rages on in this vein after the show and on in the forums under this very same topic.

By the end of the show, the men were slouching in their seats again in a pool of their guilt, wondering why they did what they did, while their wives sat on the edges of their seats waiting to hear the correct answer or the real truth to 'Why men cheat?"

The solution to the cheating problem in both men and women has to come from the person who is cheating. Resolving childhood issues, finding their true north, practicing positive mindset which include affirmations, positive visualizations and healing their inner being, which will recalibrate a cheaters life. It is NOT about the wife and what she is or is not doing. It is NOT about the fact that the husband isn't getting enough sexual satisfaction. It is NOT about the marriage or the relationship. It is about the cheater sending out the vibration of a cheater, so they attract those who will help them cheat. It is about the emptiness that was there within the man or the woman even at the beginning of the marriage. The wife or husband has been able to fill the hole or feed the need until the cheater needs to up the ante, increase the dosage...get an attention fix. They choose to cheat! We are talking about a new type of addiction here...the addiction to people or attention...it is like a drug. Just like in other addictions the root lies in the past, in unresolved issues, low self-esteem, poor decisions and destructive behaviors. Does this sound familiar to anyone? It IS an addiction...not treated correctly...they will cheat again.

To blame the spouse for the cheaters actions is justification, rationalization and pointing blame in the wrong direction. The blame sits squarely on the cheater! It is up to the cheater to dig deep, work hard at resolving their problems and holding to their commitment to not choose to pick up their addiction again.

Dr.Neuman, you are wrong...wrong...wrong! Your explanation is only perpetuating this epidemic of cheating by pointing the finger of blame at the faithful partner. Shame on you!

4 comments:

earthlingorgeous said...

Oh wow! I would have to absolutely agree in what you said. It's the cheaters problem it's the cheaters fault and not the faithful partner. I would not be surprised if this Dr. Neuman is a cheater himself.

I wrote this post couple months ago Cheaters are Losers! I am in this with you.

Eathan said...

Nice content on your site. Very interesting.

Sally@MyriadLife said...

This is funny! I once came across a counsellor who expounded the theory that it is the fault of the person being cheated on and that the cheating person wasn't so bad because they had only cheated with one person.

Such counsellors should be struck off for the damage they can do.

Mike said...

It's a shame that many Americans have lost their capacity for independent thought.

It's a given that it's always the cheater's fault. But, it all boils down to a lack, or fear, of communication.

Most problems in life can be prevented just by letting the other person know about it.

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