The Luxury of Being a Mid-Life Stay-at-Home-Mom!

I recently was on a conference call with two women whom I met up with through a social network that will remain unnamed, but I will let you know this…it is a knowledge center for those of us who presume to be Boomers of Authority.

The details behind why we were on this call together is of no importance…all that I will say is that I learned that Stay-At-Home Moms are STILL looked down upon by some women who do NOT stay at home or have no children.

Staying at home was a luxury…not a necessity…I was told! That these two other women had to work!

A husband’s ability to support the family on his one salary allowed the fortunate wife/mother to not seek out paid employment…but to pursue very expensive hobbies and causes.

I was told that I had this luxury!!!

Excuse me! I fear that you presume too much!!

Now, before I go any further…I must explain one thing…this comment was made to me after I responded to the overall topic of the conference call. The two women had come together in resonance over the fact that they were at a point in their life that they no longer wanted greatness or fame for themselves…climb the ladder of success, but rather help people and seek the betterment of man or woman…as long as they were helping mankind…they would be satisfied, fulfilled and complete. In their Mid-life journey they had come to crossroads and believed that it was time for change.

I listened.

When my opportunity to speak came I told them that everything that I was doing on the Internet was for FREE. Getting paid had not been my primary goal…in fact, I was very happy that recently I had been making small amounts of money. In any case, I had been “called” to do what I have been doing at my forum, my blogs and at social networks. I was writing because I love to write. I was promoting others work because I was “called” to lift gifted and talented people up on the lamp stand to allow them to shine! I was not necessarily a coach…I was a Shepherdess…a guide. My journey had only recently brought me to place where I felt worthy to ask for payment for what I offered.

If I got paid…I felt blessed…in fact, an e-mail of gratitude was worth more to me than any dollar payment. The little that I have been making was a blessing too...but the goal was to help others from the beginning…fame and greatness…climbing a ladder of success was not my primary goal.

The silence was deafening.

I thought I had lost the connection, until one of the women said:

“Well, isn’t that nice that your husband makes enough money for you to have the luxury to do that…but I have had to work to make ends meet, as I believe (name left out on purpose) has had to do also……”

The woman continued but I didn’t hear one more word she said as I was in absolute shock…rewind to the beginning of this rant.

In my mind I thought:

LUXURY! Excuse me! I fear that you presume too much!!

You don’t know me or my family’s history or the state of our bank account or circumstances.

You don’t know what I gave up over 19 years ago to support my husband and his military career, what I endured through deployments, what I do NOW to support his second career, what I have done to keep my hand in the business that I love, what I do on a daily basis to make sure that my five children have a safe, secure environment to come home to…I am my children’s 24/7/365 day advocate…AND…NO, we don’t have luxury… Do you know how much it would cost to put five kids in Day care?!!! Or now with teenagers, what kind of trouble they can get into when Mom and Dad are at work (Let me tell you about the family who just got their son out drug rehab or the daughter that just popped pregnant because she and her boyfriend were hanging out at the house alone while Mommy was at work)

We are fortunate and blessed that God provides our daily bread…we struggle making ends meet…there is no excess living in my home. My husband and I work hard…very, very hard, while also following the “call” that was given me five years ago. So…no my dear uninformed friend…YOU assume too much about Stay-at-Home Moms and me!

Suddenly, I was pulled out of my angry thoughts, the connection was silent again…the air still uncomfortable…I quickly made a polite excuse to get off the line and hung up…I was so angry I could spit! I hate confrontation and what would it get me by confronting this woman’s attitude.

I was no longer “resonating” with these women…it was a sign!

This conversation has hung in my mind for weeks now, waking me in the middle of the night that finally I felt that it needed to be written about. So, to all the women out there that work and do not stay home…to those who work hard for the money…I am not ranting at you. You GO, girl!

I’m ranting at those women working or not who have the attitude that we Stay-at-Home Mom’s stay at home because our husband earns enough so that we can…that it is a luxury.

I am working very hard at what I do…but money is not the primary goal…helping people is the goal. We sure could use some extra, I would be lying if I didn’t say this…but luxury is not a word I would use for being a Stay-at-Home Mom…luxury to me would be a paycheck and being able to go and have my gifts and talents appreciated on a daily basis. Instead…I follow the call…knowing that God will provide or the Universe is resonating with what I am doing…however you want to view it.

This is a CyberHotFlash…it’s a rant…it is over until the next one…so be aware!

On The Humorous Side: The Hot Flash Club

Welcome to the Hot Flash Club!

Whether you like it or not...this is the beginning of the rest of your life and it will be ushered in on a heat wave...it's too bad it couldn't happen on the beaches of Maui or the Bahamas...reality decided to have it happen across the landscape of your face, neck and body...OH, JOY!!! Isn't middle-age an adventure?!!!

Prepare yourself to coordinate your wardrobe with your coloring from now on...RED is going to be your enemy for the near term! Make sure you don't wear all red, because when you have a hot flash your clothes and skin will blend together...you'll look like a red hot chili pepper and I don't mean you will look like a member of the band with the same name...Oh…you'll look hot, but not sexy...hot...you'll be burning red hot all over...and there will be nothing chilly about you...your new nickname will be Pepper.

Don't worry though you'll learn how to do the newest mid-life dance craze...The Hot Flash...it is a striptease of sorts...there is nothing sexy about it...when you are finished you are dripping with sweat, standing naked in front of a fan and God help the man that wants to touch you after your performance! Your response to this will be: "You're kidding me...Right?!"

Your newest friend, who is replacing your old "friend" is full of as many surprises...but this time you will discover places that you never knew could sweat...new places that have aches and pains...but here is the bonus...you won't remember why...it's kind of like when you gave birth...all the pain of labor...you cursed your husband for putting through it…but afterward you don't remember any of it...so stupid you...you, do it again...then, you remember...you curse your husband...then forget again. Oh...yeah...you start to ramble… a lot because you can't remember your point. Yes, it affects your brain...the few brain cells you have left.

And the grand prize for entering into the Hot Flash Era is (drum roll, please!)

You will never have to worry about wearing white pants ever again!

Welcome...to Mid-Life...embrace the "hot"...and whatever you do... don't sweat the small stuff...it will be over in a flash!

Amy L. Harden Copyright 2008

MidLife Mindset - You Always Have the Power!

I have been taking a much needed break from all my blogging at various web sites to work on my upcoming book on Women in MLC. Indeed, there is very little out there for women who are going through Mid-life Crisis...in fact, the age for the crisis keeps on dropping...but the textbook quality of what is happening is not changing...just what we are calling it. Most books on MLC skim over the pain, hurt, confusion and frustration...they expect every woman to be able to breeze through the change or just pick themselves up by the boot straps and move on. The women that can do this are NOT in crisis...they are merely in transition. Transitioning women have the needed coping skills, the needed support and a positive mindset to work through the changes that are occurring in their lives, while those who are in crisis become lost, confused and frustrated... they don't have the tools to fix or deal with what is going on....they need to go back and get or replenish their life's toolbox.

Hitting mid-life is not necessarily a criteria for falling into life crisis...it is very apparent in my research that our younger sisters and daughters are also having difficulty in finding the meaning to their lives. Thirty year olds are now having the Quarter-Life Crisis (QLC), the Twenty year olds are being lumped in with QLC's but I call them Bi-centennial-life Crisis (BLC)...if anyone knows the real name for this age...tell me...I can't find it. BUT...all of these women are struggling with their identities, their significance, what makes them excellent; worthy...they want to create meaning in their lives...find happiness and abundance. Why? The meaning of way we live our life in our society has changed over the years...what used to be taboo is no longer AND we live lives that are at a much faster pace with larger expectations attached. We are inundated with messages...definitions that do not correlate with the way we were raised or the way our parents were raised. In our day and time...just about anything goes...we consciously believe that we can live without boundaries and deal breakers BUT the fact that our family histories or legacies rule our days subconsciously, we tend become fragmented, unbalanced...confused. In the end, whatever your age, no matter what triggers or symptoms that you believe is causing the crisis...it all goes back to your perspective or your mindset...it is what you believe to be true about your life!

Knowledge, understanding, a positive mindset...an understanding about the way your brain works, along with a strong life strategy is the foundation and framework you need to live a life of significance, success and abundance. If you don't have these things in your toolbox...it is time to go back and get them. Only you can do this...it is hard work...it takes perseverance, strength and a willingness to go full out! If you are at the point that you will do anything and everything to be happy...then start with your inner being first...do NOT rely on others to steer your life's ship...YOU must be the master and commander of your life's direction. Destructive behaviors, such as affairs, addictions, divorce, over spending are NOT an option...the mess you will make with these behaviors will only destroy you in the end. Do you really need to have others tell you their stories of how these behaviors destroyed them? Only teenagers believe that they are invincible...you are long past this stage...let's start where you are! Discernment will be your best friend throughout this change...you will have to sift through all the information that is given you. Start using your brain first...your heart always follows...in fact...it is your brain that controls the heart...not the other way around. Wrap your mind around this understanding...if you can do this...you have made a grand step forward!

Please stay tuned because I will be posting articles and creating a new blog named " Mindset for Life. on this subject that will help you, but in the mean time, I highly recommend anyone wanting to get a head start, please purchase or download a copy of John Assaraf's book, "Having It All: Achieving Life's Goals and Dreams". The audio version is excellent because Mr. Assaraf reads the book himself and his passion and knowledge on the subject is electrifying. Mr. Assaraf is a highly successful business man and he applies his theories and strategies to every aspect of his life....you can too by listening, learning and doing the techniques outlined in his book! I have had great success and abundance in all aspects of my life since reading, learning and using the techniques that John Assaraf teaches.  Please take the time to go my video bar and watch Mr. Assaraf speak on "Having It All".  If you ever have the chance of  seeing John Assaraf in person...GO....you will glad that you did!

Finally, it really doesn't quite matter what your age is anymore...all human beings move or transition through the seasons of life...this we have no control over...BUT...we do have control of HOW we transition...we can either choose the transition, work and adjust to create positive change OR we can fall in to crisis, turn our lives upside down...destroy what is good and regret the bad and allow the change to eat us from the inside out. It IS your choice...which do you want...or should I say...which do you NEED?  

You have always had the power...the power is in positive mindset!

"Dorothy: Oh will you help me? Can you help me?
Glinda, the Good Witch of the North: You don't need to be helped any longer. You've always had the power to go back to Kansas.
Dorothy: I have?
The Scarecrow: Then why didn't you tell her before?
Glinda, the Good Witch of the North: Because she wouldn't have believed me. She had to learn it for herself.
The Tin Man: What have you learned, Dorothy?
Dorothy: Well, I - I think that it - it wasn't enough to just want to see Uncle Henry and Auntie Em - and it's that - if I ever go looking for my heart's desire again, I won't look any further than my own back yard. Because if it isn't there, I never really lost it to begin with!"

Taken from Wikipedia on November 10, 2008. http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/The_Wizard_of_Oz

Join us at Women in MLC: The Dorothy Syndrome at:

http://www.womenimlc.lefora.com/forum/

Women at Mid-Life Dreaming of Divorce While Happily Married

"She's Happily Married, Dreaming of Divorce" http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/personal/08/26/o.divorce.dreams/, an article by Ellen Tien, a columnist at the Oprah Magazine was recently brought to my attention and asked to comment on it. Eagerly I clicked the link and began reading, wondering why it had been sent to me in particular for comment. As I read through the paragraghs, I soon realized why my friend had sent me this diatribe on a woman who claimed to be happily married, but secretly dreamed of being divorced...it was a perfect word picture of the many women that I write about, coach and speak to at events. Most importantly Ms Tein seemed to be planting the seed in her female readers minds that these feelings, dreams and desires were alright AND that their complaints and discontent were something that all wives have in common...so why not dream of divorce...in a very subtle way she was giving women permission to even act on their divorce dreams...she said it without even saying it. The resulting disgruntled and mostly negative comments that followed seemed to bear my overall reaction to the article out. I was unable to add my comments to the long list due to the fact that CNN had suspended commentary...so, I bring my comments here to our lovely group, just in case you read this article in the May issue of "O" magazine or caught it on the web.

Yes, this IS a thoroughly depressing view of marriage...yet a real...true statement of where our view of marriage is and what it has become. Not only is this a depressing view of marriage...it is also a horrible statement on the role of women in the United States and maybe even the world today. I am not talking about our roles as wives and mothers...I am talking about our view of who we are as women in today's world.

Women today are so caught up with being DIVAS and bitches...being bulldogs instead of being women of excellence, significance and grace.... embaracing elegance. We have taken the power that we gained through equality and morphed it into something bigger than we can truly handle. We convince ourselves that the grass is really greener on the other side, while forgetting that all who risk checking out the greener grass discover that the grass is green no matter what side of the fence they are on...no matter whose backyard they are in...Green IS green...it's all grass!

Articles like this one are extremely harmful to women, their families and their marriages. It gives permission to many women who are on the fence...trying to decide if they should remain in their own backyard or explore others. It gives a woman the sense or a feeling that they are not alone in their questioning...in their discontent...it fans a fire that naturally comes around at mid-life...one that every one of our mother's had ...even our grandmothers...but society at the time did NOT give them permission to explore. This article and other books that are being written for women in MLC are encouraging them to throw their morals and ethics aside, grant themselves permission to step out of their responsibilities and roles and be mavericks...focusing purely on themselves, their wants , needs and desires. It is shallow! It IS narcissistic! But then that is what our society has been doing ever since the "ME generation" came in to existence....it's just a continuation of the thought pattern. It didn't really work then...it doesn't work now.

As usual, women of the United States easily eat up what ever the media or Oprah feeds them...convinced that this is the gospel truth. The fact that this article appears in Oprah's magazine MUST mean that she agrees with the author. it must be okay...Right?! NO!!! Not even Oprah expects everyone to accept what she feeds them...she does expect women and men to be discerning in what information she is providing. Not even Oprah agrees with all the people who are on her guest coach on certain subjects.

This is what is important about this article...indeed this is a problem that many women today are struggling with...in fact the majority of women at middle age deal with these very same questions, discontent and inability to cope with their lives as they know it. The problem with this article IS...the author infers that it is okay to feel this way AND she even plants the seed that it is okay to even act upon these thoughts. This is NOT okay. The "everybody else is doing it "bandwagon is in full tilt here. Who says this at 40, 50, and 60 years old? Women and men who have not matured enough to evaluate their circumstances clearly...measure their emotions and the possibilities of their actions if indeed they decide to act upon leaving their marriage...that's who says this sort of thing. A teenager throws this response at their parent when they have been caught drinking, smoking or having sex. Are we to accept that it is okay as mothers and wives...women...that because we are presently discontent it is okay to act like our children? How is that being a good role model?

Ladies, we do not have to accept every message that the media or people of other viewpoints are throwing at us. Just because we ALL feel discontent, boredom, empty, frustrated and confused about our lot in life does NOT mean that we throw away our marriages and our family as we know it today. We have the power to change it...we have to realize that the answers are living in our own backyards...the power lies with in US....not our husbands...our children...our homes.

Everything this author has pointed out in her story as a point of contention in this marriage is in this women's control...she has just chosen not to do something about it...she has chosen to be a victim of her own circumstances. As she points the blame at her husband and children, she is preparing her justifications for any actions or behaviors she might take in the future, no matter how right or wrong.

As women and even as men...we need to look at our hand when we are pointing blame and giving ourselves permission...one finger points at another person...all the rest are pointing back at ourselves...who's to blame? Who ends up being the victims in the end? Think about it!

Final words: We end up sacrificing our life legacy by selfishly seeking temporary pleasures or successes and being a part of a women's movement that is still trying to figure who they are in the grand scheme of things...we end up throwing our husbands and children under the bus....we end up only hurting ourselves.

(C)Amy L Harden 2008 All rights reserved.